This is the Durable Dad Podcast. I'm your host, tommy Geary. This show is going to give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work, your community and, most importantly, your family. All right, what's up? Episode number 57. Just got back from a run. Feels good after having the flu last week.
Speaker 1:
So today I wanted to talk about apologizing and the rules when we're apologizing because it's not fun. It's not fun to apologize. It kind of sucks when you're admitting that you're wrong and, like most things that are hard, it's worth it. On the other end, today is really going to be a focus on how we apologize to our kids, and this could be one of the best tools to have in our tool belt, because we all screw up, we all say things that we don't want to say, we use tones of voice that we don't want to use, we're more physical than we want to be. It happens to all of us and it doesn't mean that you're a bad dad or you're a bad parent, and it is an opportunity to build a closer relationship through the apologizing to owning up on your actions. The big thing here is that it's not our kid's fault that we get angry. It's not our kid's fault that we lose our cool. Your kids are probably acting out of line, probably doing things that are disrespectful, and I'm not telling you how to parent or give consequences. What I'm talking about is apologizing.
Speaker 1:
So why do we apologize? I mentioned modeling. What we hear all the time is that our kids don't listen to the words we say, but they pick up on what we do. They don't learn from our words, they learn from our actions. So when we go to apologize, we're showing them that you take ownership when you make a mistake, you are admitting fault when you act in a way that you don't want to act, and that's really a big part of being a man. We don't have to always be right, and when we're wrong, we want to own up to it. So when we apologize, we're modeling that for our kids.
Speaker 1:
Another reason that we apologize is that it benefits our relationship with our kids in the long run. When we mend that mistake that we had, we have a chance to change the story right. I'm sorry, I acted that way. Dad loses his shit, but he owns up to it. Sorry, I acted that way. It builds a relationship that has more honesty, more mutual respect and when we apologize, it also eases our mind a little bit.
Speaker 1:
When we yell or lose our temper, we can have a lot of chatter afterwards, reliving the moment, telling ourselves that we screwed up, that we shouldn't do that, continuing to be pissed at our kid for how they behaved. When we're feeling guilty about something we did, shame can build on top of that, and when we apologize, it releases some of that. It slows down the chatter. We can let go of that incident a little bit more. And I know this because when I was trying to prepare for this podcast, I know that I've yelled at Nell a lot and apologized, but I couldn't think of any of the moments that I actually apologized, and I think that's because they're not ruminating in my brain anymore. What did come up while I was getting ready for this podcast are the times that I haven't apologized and a memory from when she was two years old or two and a half. She was trying to get to bed and we were in this stage where she wasn't going to bed and she was coming out of her room and I flipped out late at night and I still feel bad about it, still feel sorry about it, and I haven't apologized to her and so, doing this podcast, I'm going to apologize to her about that incident. I don't know if she remembers it and it might seem kind of funny, but I'm going to do it as much for her as for myself because it might ease some of that guilt, some of that shame when I apologize for my mistake and for the way that I acted. So apologizing it models how to own up to a mistake. It benefits your relationship to build honesty and trust. It releases guilt. It kind of clears your conscience when you apologize. So I'm going to go into some rules about apologizing.
Speaker 1:
Rule number one it's never too late to apologize. And by never too late I mean you can apologize the next day, the next week, even 10 years down the road. Like, of course, our parents screwed up maybe a lot. Imagine them coming to you now and saying, hey, I remember when you were in high school. There was this time when I was losing my cool a lot and yelled at you and I was probably harder on you than I needed to be, and I've been thinking about it and I just want to apologize for how I acted back then. That would feel okay, right, that wouldn't be too late. It's never too late to apologize. So that's rule number one. Don't let yourself think that, ah, time passed, I'm not going to apologize anymore about this. They probably forgot about it, whether they did or whether they didn't, you know. Going back to that, clearing your conscience, apologizing never too late.
Speaker 1:
Rule number two don't do it when you're still fuming, when you're still kind of ticked off. You're apologizing through gritted teeth. Don't do that. Wait till you've cooled off, wait till you have a level head where you can really clearly mean your apology. So that's rule number two. Rule number three don't blame your kid. Apologize for your actions. I mentioned this earlier. Your kids cannot force you to act a certain way. They can't force you to do anything at all. Kids are going to trigger us. They're going to behave in a way that gets our anger all revved up and gets us boiling and red. But how we decide to act is on us. It's possible to stay calm or walk away or diffuse the situation rather than letting your temper come bursting out in an unproductive way.
Speaker 1:
One guy I was working with they were going on vacation, him and his family, and on the drive to the airport the way he put it he was just acting like an asshole. He was turning around yelling at his girls. Him and his wife were in an argument and he dropped them off at the airport and went to park the car. And he cooled off a little bit, took the shuttle to the airport, met them where they were having something to eat and he said guys, I'm sorry, I wanna let you know that that guy that was a jerk. I left him in the car. I'm here to have a good time on vacation. He didn't say I'm sorry, I acted the way that I did, but you guys can't yell at me when I'm driving. You guys have to listen to what I say when I say it. He didn't blame them. He owned up to his actions and apologized for that. No blame, all right.
Speaker 1:
Rule number five don't apologize for your anger. We're apologizing for our actions. Hey, yesterday when I yelled and said those words I'm sorry, I acted that way. I'm working on managing my anger better. We're apologizing for the actions, not the anger. Anger is totally normal. It's an emotion that we are all going to have and it's okay to feel angry. What we want to own is totally normal. It's an emotion that we are all gonna have and it's okay to feel angry. What we wanna own is our actions. I think I've said own our actions a lot in this podcast and that's really what I'm talking about, and this is another way it lands.
Speaker 1:
Rule number six drop your expectations. Say what you need to say in the apology and don't expect your kid to be like it's okay, dad or your kid, to apologize back to you. You say what you need to say. You ask them if they have any questions. You let them know that you're here to talk about it. If they want to, you apologize. They'll learn from that and that's enough. All right.
Speaker 1:
So recap the rules it's never too late to apologize. Don't do it while you are still heated, while you're still triggered. Don't blame your kids. Own your actions. There it is again. Own your actions. That's what you're apologizing for. Don't apologize for the anger, don't apologize for the emotions. And drop your expectations. Say your apology and leave it at that. And these rules apply to all of our relationships. They apply to our wife, business partner, employee, brother, parent, doesn't really matter. You can use these apologizing rules for all of your relationships.
Speaker 1:
And the last thing I'll say kind of the last rule, I guess is you got to mean it. You can't just apologize to apologize. People know when you say you're sorry and there isn't any heart or any real remorse behind it I tend to do it a lot with Brenda. When I just want to end a conversation, it doesn't land. It's not modeling the type of apology that we're talking about here. So keep that in mind. What energy is coming behind your apology? Is there true remorse, true care behind it? All right, that's what I got for you guys. Have an awesome week and I'll catch you next time.