There's a reason Ram Dass said, "If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family." Emotions can run high when we're all packed in a house with too much food and booze. We parent differently, vote differently, and value different things in life. But it doesn't have to be hard to stay level-headed and end holiday weekends on a high note when we practice the five tactics laid out in this episode. Tune in, stand tall, and go make the most of the time you have with your loved ones.
There's a reason Ram Dass said, "If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family." Emotions can run high when we're all packed in a house with too much food and booze. We parent differently, vote differently, and value different things in life. But it doesn't have to be hard to stay level-headed and end holiday weekends on a high note when we practice the five tactics laid out in this episode. Tune in, stand tall, and go make the most of the time you have with your loved ones.
This is the Durable Dad podcast. I'm your host, tommy Geary. This show is going to give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work, your community and, most importantly, your family. Alright, what's up guys? Episode number 37. It's Thanksgiving week. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody here in the United States of America.
Speaker 1:
I am going to play in a turkey bowl Thanksgiving morning. So pretty pumped about that. The classic tradition of old men getting together to relive their high school football days for a few hours Thanksgiving morning. So I'm pumped. I played in this same turkey bowl with a bunch of dudes last year and my knees hurt for about a month afterwards. So this year I'm preparing a little bit more. I'm getting my knees ready. I've been moving laterally in the backyard, running backwards.
Speaker 1:
I like to prepare for these kinds of things, prepare my body and also remember that I'm not 20 anymore. The feelings come back, though, right when we play, when we have fun. That childlike excitement can stir up. So, looking forward to the turkey bowl on Thursday, pumped about the holidays, and that kind of takes us into what we're talking about today and that's how to be a man over the holidays. And when I say be a man. I mean be an emotionally mature man, be a leader, be the dad that has fun and is engaged over the holidays, because our kids, whether they're really young or even if they're in their teens and their 20s it's an opportunity for our family to come together, do some traditions, make some new traditions and memories, and we want to be engaged. And what I'm going to hone in on here are family gatherings and some tactics to create a good experience for yourself and everyone that's around you in family gatherings, because these kinds of gatherings can be emotionally packed right.
Speaker 1:
Some family dynamics are really complicated. Maybe your family dynamics are pretty clean and everything goes on without a hitch Awesome. That's great. It's totally normal, and I think a lot of families are like that, and it's totally normal for families to have issues with each other and have more of those complicated dynamics. And when we're in a house together, wherever you're getting your family together, that tight proximity can stir up some emotions, and we want to have a good time with our family, but it's not always easy.
Speaker 1:
This quote from Ram Dass really hits home for me. It's if you think you're enlightened, try spending a week with your family, and so we're not gonna talk about that healing today, of the old stories and all that baggage we bring along. What we're gonna talk about today is these family gatherings are not the place to stir up those old family issues and the underlying problems that we have with each other. Family gatherings are a time to connect, laugh, have fun, eat some good food, have a couple drinks. Sometimes, when we are triggered by everyone in our family or by some people, we'll have too many drinks and we wanna try to avoid that. That's not one of the tips I'm gonna go over, but that's always just a good practice. Don't drink too much and don't eat too much. The latter for me, the eat too much. That's my thing. That's what I'm working on right now, so I'll try not to eat too much while I'm celebrating Thanksgiving. All right, so let's dive into the tactics. Number one is to prepare for the worst.
Speaker 1:
Marcus Aurelius, stoic philosopher, emperor of Rome, has this quote in his meditations Say to yourself early in the morning, I shall meet today ungrateful, violent, treacherous, envious, uncharitable men. Now it sounds a little harsh. Maybe there's no one in your family that's violent or treacherous, maybe there's someone that is. But the point here is that, instead of hoping awkward conversations don't happen, hoping that the topic of politics doesn't come up around the family, hoping that grandma doesn't say something really inappropriate, isn't helpful. What Marcus Aurelius is saying here is anticipate that that kind of stuff's gonna happen and that kind of stuff is gonna be brought up. Because when we can anticipate it and we kind of visualize that, how do we wanna respond, how do we wanna handle ourselves? And it reminds me of one of my buddies. His dad had anger issues growing up still kind of has that now, and he was at a family gathering and he knows the patterns that happen at his family. His dad's gonna say something to his sister and my buddy gets really angry and defensive because he thinks issues with his sister are because of how his dad parented and he'd flip out at his dad and it's not helpful and actually what it's doing is perpetuating that generational pattern of not being able to handle your anger in a healthy way. What kind of example are you setting for your kids that are probably around the house somewhere also? So before he went to the next family gathering, he visualized what would happen and what might happen and how he wanted to respond. And his response was take a breath and walk away. He knew that he would start gritting his teeth, that his anger would start bubbling up in him and his action was to walk away. That's changing that generational pattern and not making the same mistakes or handling our emotions the same way as our parents did. All right, so that's number one. Prepare for the worst.
Speaker 1:
Number two prepare to be thoughtful. Set yourself up to have good conversations, and this is thinking about the people that are gonna be there, thinking about what you know about them, what you know about their life right now and being ready to ask them some questions about it. And it sounds a little networking, maybe overdoing it, but you're actually being really thoughtful about the person. You wanna have a good time with them. You wanna make a connection with them. Like, if your sister-in-law's mom was sick last year, check in, how's your mom doing? You know if your mom hangs out with her sister once in a while your aunt and you haven't seen your aunt in a while, check in with your mom, how's this person doing? Have you seen this person in a while? So prepare to be thoughtful. That's number two.
Speaker 1:
Number three leverage the power of games. So this one at a family gathering, playing a game is such a good hack to laughter. Right back to the when I was talking about the turkey bowl a little more fun, a little more lightness, levity to the environment. So when Aunt Joe pulls out a game to play with everybody, don't shut down, don't give me like, ah, be the grouch, engage, play the game, have fun with it. It's a way to enjoy the family gathering.
Speaker 1:
Number four step outside. So this is really when the tension builds up and the tension mounts. My grandma is super fun, really awesome, awesome grandma, and she can get under people's skin with just like two quick sentences. And this happens at family parties and I wasn't at this family party. I was living in Colorado, sitting around the dining room table. At Thanksgiving my grandma said a couple of words to my cousin. It was a subject that was raw for him. He felt that tightness and his jaw clenched up and didn't say anything. She said something again and I guess my dad was kind of there and saw what was happening and he was just like, hey, let's step outside. And they stepped outside and my cousin got the vent a little bit, that fresh, cold air, breathe it in, feel good, and it just made that family gathering a little bit better. So stepping outside is tip. Number four Even if it's cold out, put on a couple layers when you start to feel worked up, remove yourself physically from the room, and it's another good way to manage your emotions in a mature way.
Speaker 1:
Number five memento mori. So memento mori is a term that the stoics practice and repeat, and it means remember death. Because the point is, when you remember your death, you remember the shortness of life and the impermanence of life and you start living more right now, you start appreciating things, you start prioritizing what's really important to you. When you're on your death bed, you're not worried about little squabbles and in this case, we're actually gonna remember the people in our lives. Death. Our grandmas are only gonna be here for so long. Our parents are only gonna be here for so long.
Speaker 1:
How do we want to spend our time with them right now? What do we wanna think about them right now? We want to love them. It can help us really remember how all the little shit doesn't really matter and we have some drama inside us. They have some drama inside them, but when they're older and they're on their death bed or you're at their funeral, how do you wanna remember this Thanksgiving? Do you want to remember it as the Thanksgiving that you didn't talk to people and you didn't engage and you drank too much? Or do you want to remember it as connecting with the people that matter the most to you and giving them hugs and smiling at them and laughing with them?
Speaker 1:
Memento mori. That's number five. So those are the five tactics tips they are. I'll repeat them. Prepare for the worst. Visualize what might happen. Number two prepare to be thoughtful. Number three leverage the power of games. Number four step outside. Number five Memento mori. All right, so family parties throughout the holidays are not the place to resolve problems. They're not the place to bring up those difficult issues. If other people are digging them up, we want to be the man in the room and these tips are going to help. If things get heated, you're the one that gets to change historical patterns, generational patterns that lead to more dysfunction in our family. All right, so that's what I got for you guys. If you know someone that needs to hear this message over the holidays, this might land for them. Share it. Please share the podcast with them. They would appreciate it. I would appreciate it, and have a happy Thanksgiving. I'll catch you guys next week.