This is the Durable Dad podcast. I'm your host, tommy Geary. This show is going to give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work, your community and, most importantly, your family. All right, what's up? Episode number 48. We are kicking off February. I am recording this on Thursday, february 1st.
Speaker 1:
So it's a new month, getting going and wondering where you're at with your goals for 2024. I kind of did a check in with myself, looked back what kind of intentions goals that I have for this year and where am I at with them. For me, february it's about staying on track. So 11 months left of 2024. Let's stay with it. Let's stay moving towards the goals that we have, the life that we want to have, the relationships we want to have. If you're wondering what your plan is you're noticing that you're losing momentum I want to just throw out there that I have free strategy sessions for anyone. You can find my availability on the durabledadcom website. If you're wanting to just think strategically game plan some stuff, see what's holding you back, go to the website and check it out. I've been having a lot of those conversations. I just love it. And just a reminder for you guys that I'm here for you Today I want to talk about anger.
Speaker 1:
A lot of the times on this podcast I'll talk about our anger and how we can manage it and change it and heal it. Today I want to talk about other people's anger and how we want to respond to that. Let's say that it's a work situation. This one guy that I coach, he's on the executive team at the company he works for. He is dialed with his processes, with his business. He's got awesome ideas. His demeanor, the way he conversates, isn't that high energy, loud voice type of communication. There's two other guys on the executive team that do communicate that way, with that loud, angry energy. When there's a discussion about some business strategy, they usually get worked up about it real quick.
Speaker 1:
My client, what we've worked on over the last year is being able to have someone be angry in your presence and not shut down. What was happening was someone would get angry and try to argue their point. My client would have a really good idea and wanted debate about it, but he wouldn't. I think this happens to a lot of us. Someone will come and have this aggressive wanting to argue, vibe, we'll agree and nod, we don't really agree. Then later we're kicking ourselves because we wanted to say something else. Our second guessing this is how I could have approached it.
Speaker 1:
Another reaction when someone gets angry in your presence is you get angry back. You mirror their anger. That's not productive either. When someone at work is angry and heated, how do we respond? When our wife at home is angry and upset, how can we be steady and firm and have the conversation be productive, turn it into a productive conversation? If we're out in our community and we're coaching one of our kids teams and another parent gets really pissed off, how do we keep our cool?
Speaker 1:
Because I believe in all of those types of situations, both Parties have a similar goal. A similar goal to move ahead. A similar goal to not Be upset with each other and not cause more attention, even though it might not seem like it in the moment. Like the, the long-term Goal is to move the business ahead. The long-term goal is to have a good marriage. The long-term goal is to let the kids have fun and be fair. I don't know what happens on the sports field. Maybe those crazy parents have other goals in mind, but your goal would be to keep it civil. So the common reactions are are Possibly to shut down, agree, not let it go.
Speaker 1:
Another one I mentioned is we start getting angry, we perceive their anger as a threat and we get defensive. And this happens a lot in our relationship with our wife. Like I was just talking to this one guy that he was getting ready for bed, laying in bed, and his wife came in and said, really with a tone of voice that he perceived his brain's first thought was oh great, now what? And We've been coaching enough together that he didn't say that out loud. I, our first reaction in our brain is usually not the way we want to Actually act in the world, but he did find himself in defense mode right away and he got he kind of noticed that he was like Making it mean, that she didn't think he had done enough and he shouldn't be laying in bed yet and he started building up this defense that I've already done this and I've already taken care of that. This is really common to jump into defense mode trying to play this me versus you. I'm gonna paint the story of why I'm right and you're wrong, but that usually just escalates things.
Speaker 1:
So the antidote to someone else's anger is curiosity. We want to hold steady and be curious, but it's got to be a genuine curiosity, which is the tough part, because we can't just Ask a question because we know that's what we're supposed to do. You actually have to be seeking to understand and have a genuine Curiosity. When we get in defensive mode right away and we just try to throw out a question like why are you getting so worked up? Those aren't the questions that I'm talking about right, then that other person is gonna get in defense mode.
Speaker 1:
So the first step when I say be curious is to be curious with our experience is when anger is presented to us. Well, let's just take the Example of my client that he's on the executive team with these other two guys, that their personalities are usually more aggressive and loud and his isn't like his Immediate reaction when they start raising their voices and arguing. He goes into that fight or flight. And when we're in that mode we're not curious. That curiosity part of our brain shuts off. So the first thing is okay. So why are you going into fight or flight? Get curious with your experience, and we do that by feeling our emotions. My heart starts pounding, I noticed that my jaw clenches and I get really tight and I want to kind of back away. So that is what we call self-awareness You're aware of your experience and when we're curious about it, we don't Repress it, we don't shut it down, we don't ignore it. We ease it a little bit. They we actually open up to it and it doesn't grip us as much and I've had to learn this as a coach.
Speaker 1:
For me, male Anger when it presented to me I there was a time where I would shut down or I would try to make light of the situation. And the guys that I coach, like a lot of them, have built up, pent up anger and it's something that we work on right. We have to coach around our anger so we can go and be better dads and we can go and be better leaders. So if I'm in a coaching session and a guy's telling me his story about how pissed off he is that somebody at work, it's my job to stay steady, to stay neutral, to guide him through that anger, guide him down so he can think more clearly, so he can make wise decisions. And in order to do that, I gotta drop into my body, out of my own head. So I'm gonna go back to that client in the boardroom again with his executive team. He drops into his body, he gets curious with his experience, his emotions and then, once he's grounded there and acknowledges his feelings, what that does is it starts to lower your heart rate, and that's the goal in a. In a setting of an argument, when someone else is angry, the goal is to have the lowest heartbeat in the room. Heard that somewhere recently and it really landed with me. If we can have the lowest heartbeat in the room, we can come from that wise, curious spot. So the next step Is to get curious with them. Curious with them means asking them a question, helping to understand their point of view a little bit more.
Speaker 1:
And in this boardroom, when my client grounds himself gets curious. They were talking about some strategy, about their business for 2024, making some changes, and one of the guys got worked up and my client was able to stay steady and reflect and he just said hey, joe. I don't know if the guy's name was Joe, hey, joe, this is what I hear you saying. And he said his points not in an arguing voice, but just reflected with. That guy was saying and that's a start, right, that's being curious. I'm curious if I'm hearing you correctly, and difficult. Conversations like that are not easy, and he handled it so beautifully. He kept hearing him out. He found common ground. So what you're saying is that I think the same thing, and he asked about holes in the story. I hear you saying this. Have you looked at it this way? He was able to stay steady, work on the actual company's goal, which is to move forward and have this meeting be productive, and it was.
Speaker 1:
Curiosity could also look like trying to empathize and understand what's under their anger. They're usually pissed off because a boundary has been crossed or they have a value that's been stepped on. If our wife is angry, we're not going to blame ourselves and get in that defense mode. We're just going to empathize, because then we turn our lens out on her and that's going to create more of a conversation rather than an argument. We're not going to make it about us. We're not going to be on the defense. We're going to empathize, look and be curious about their situation and that turns the argument into a conversation. So we want to want to understand the person that's presenting anger to us. This can happen in all different areas of life.
Speaker 1:
So when someone is angry, and in your presence, the goal is to stay steady, stay firm, be able to speak your mind, be able to negotiate, be able to Conversate, and the way that you do that is one you get curious with your experience. Turn inside, get curious with your emotions. And then step two Is you get curious about the other person's experience reflective, listening, seeking to understand, ask a genuine question so you can learn more about what they want and know that you probably have similar goals in the business setting. Everyone wants what ultimately is best for the business. Sometimes it just takes them back and forth to figure out and agree on what that is. The goal in marriage is, yes, a better relationship, but in the moments of one spouse or the other being angry, the goal might just be to not go to bed angry with each other, to go to bed Knowing that you're on the same team and that you're connected and you're gonna work things out. So try those steps, apply it to your day to day life and catch you next week.