This is the Durable Dad Podcast. I'm your host, tommy Geary. This show is going to give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work, your community and, most importantly, your family. Alright, episode number 49, the Durable Dad Podcast. What is going on today? How you doing? I'm going to say pause and really check in with that. How are you doing today? Notice how you answered that question, because it's what we are going to talk about today, because a lot of the times we'll say good and it'll kind of end there we're seeing someone that we haven't seen in a while. Hey, how you doing? We're good.
Speaker 1:
But what we want to talk about today is acknowledging our true feelings. Not saying that we have to do that in public for the random people that we run into, but how honest are we being with ourselves about our true feelings, emotions? A lot of the times we'll breeze over our struggles, and the reason you want to be honest with yourself is because lying will keep you stuck, whether it's in bad habits or it's in productivity, in our careers or in our relationships. When we lie to ourselves, when we don't acknowledge our true emotions, we stay stuck and emotions like sadness, self-doubt, fear, disappointment, guilt, shame those emotions that we all have. We cover them up, and we cover them up because we feel like we should have it all together. Everyone else looks like they have their shit together, so I need to have mine together also, which maybe that's the mask we wear as we move through life. But what are we acknowledging in private, when we're by ourselves, not facing the world? And I believe that those are the times when we have to acknowledge our true emotions, our true feelings. If I'm coaching a guy and we get to a thought that he genuinely believes maybe he's thinking something like I'm dropping the ball, I'll ask alright, how is that thought I'm dropping the ball making you feel? And he says it feels true. Okay, so that is a truth that he possibly has been denying for a while. He's been going around trying to act like things are all good, figured out, but underneath there's some self-doubt that feels true, I'm dropping the ball. So those are the types of truths that we want to uncover rather than repressing them and lying to ourselves. We're going to one, identify the lies and then, two, acknowledge the truth, and I'm going to go through the top three lies that I see a lot of guys using. So number one it's no big deal.
Speaker 1:
I was on a Zoom call with some old buddies and we were just hanging out on a Saturday night. We hadn't seen each other for a while and we were just getting together joking around. One of my buddies was sharing just what's going on in his week or his life, whatever, and his dad was sick in the hospital and there was some uncertainty at work. His company that he works for just got acquired and his wife was about to have a baby. And after he shares all this, he kind of said no big deal. And I'm not saying that he has to come on this call and express the underlying truth and the underlying emotions.
Speaker 1:
Maybe it's not the right space, but that's an example of a lot going on in our lives and one of the lies we tell ourselves is that it's no big deal. We want to acknowledge what the real feeling is. And I know when I'm struggling and I have a lot going on and I don't admit it to myself. I don't journal about it or tell my coach about it or talk to Brenda about it or a good friend. That's when I kind of self-destruct. I'll numb out, I'll eat more than I need to. I'll snack at night, pop some gummies. Those are kind of the go-to numbing out strategies that I have. Others that I see are gambling porn. We'll go to alcohol, we'll buy shit All the responsibilities that we have in life as they stack up, big things are happening and when we tell ourselves that it's no big deal, we're creating this false positive mindset.
Speaker 1:
We're trying to have a positive mindset, but it doesn't feel real and then we brush the struggles under the rug. We don't want to admit that we're weak, that we're feeling the pressure. Then we go and numb out. So the truth that we're not acknowledging is that I've got a lot going on right now. I'm having a hard time. It feels like a lot of pressure. We just try to carry it and not show a sign of weakness, just hold it up and keep walking and eventually it really starts to weigh on us and it creates a lot of stress and anxiety. And in order to relieve the stress, the pressure, the anxiety, we got to name it, we got to call it out, we got to feel it, we got to look at it. And there's a saying in the emotional expression world name it to tame it. And what that means is we name the emotions that we're feeling pressure, stress, anxiety and that tames it. And tames it means that the stress, the pressure, isn't controlling us anymore. We're able to move and get unstuck when we acknowledge our truth. Okay, so that's the first lie. We tell ourselves that it's no big deal. We minimize the responsibilities we have, we minimize the pressure and weight that we're carrying, all right.
Speaker 1:
The second lie that we tell ourselves is that we're confident. We have a false sense of confidence I see this in a lot of men that they've got this figured out, I got this and confidence is good. Confidence is one of the most powerful emotions to drive success, to get stuff done. But if it's a false sense of confidence, if we're not telling the full story, then we aren't taking action. You know, I was talking to one guy that was procrastinating on shifting his career and he had a consultant that was helping him with his resume and he was procrastinating on getting the consultant what he needed. He was 90% of the way finished but he had been sitting on the last page of information that he needed to send this consultant. So when we're talking we go upstream. The action is that he's procrastinating and if we frame this in the thinking cycle.
Speaker 1:
Our thoughts create our emotions and our emotions fuel our actions. So what thoughts and emotions are creating the procrastination for him? And these could be sneaky. If we're walking around with some false confidence, the sneaky underlying thoughts that we're usually conditioned to brush away can be hard to uncover. And talking, questioning, asking why we figured out that there was this thought that if I go for these jobs and don't get them, I'm not as good as I thought I was. And those thoughts were creating fear. We're creating dread and those are our truths, the true emotions of fear being present, of dread being present. That's what was creating the procrastination and delaying going on this job hunt. So a lot of guys will do this. We'll have this mask of confidence and it seems helpful, but we have true emotions that we don't acknowledge and when we don't acknowledge them, we stay stuck.
Speaker 1:
And in this case, the truth was fear, was dread, a thought that I might fail, and we identify that. We call out our truth. We acknowledge our truth and what that looks like is feeling those emotions that we usually repress. Fear feels like a tight chest, it feels like a weight pushing in on me, it feels like shortness of breath and dread is in my throat. It feels like a lump in my throat and it feels sinking down. And that's what acknowledging our truth is. It's actually how our central nervous system works. Our body's emotions, our body's sensations are trying to send signals up to our brain and we're pressing them down. And when we keep pressing them down, that's what creates more anxiety. That's what creates panic attacks. When we don't acknowledge our true emotions, we stay up in our brain and we're not listening to the part of our central nervous system that's below our neck and we're not listening to all those signals coming up from the body. Our head and our body aren't working together. We want to acknowledge the truths so our whole system can work together, and there's science behind this stuff.
Speaker 1:
If you check out Dr Joe Dispenza's work or you Google this podcast by Andrew Huberman on fear, those are two awesome resources to really dive into what's happening when we deny our truths and how the body communicates to the brain. But for this podcast, what you need to know is that we repress our emotions and when we don't acknowledge them, we stay stuck. So back to the guy that was going after a career change but procrastinating on the last 10% of his resume. We acknowledged he was afraid and as soon as we did that it started to move, his energy again, he started to unlock what was stuck and taking the next step. Four hours later he texts me. He sent off his resume to the consultant. Boom, we're moving again. So we want to be honest with ourself. When we are and our brain is working with our body, then it doesn't feel like such a grind.
Speaker 1:
Another guy that I was talking to we uncovered some of these truths that were holding him back and he described the feeling afterwards as all of his parts were on the same page. All of them was working together and moving forward All right. So those are the first two lies that we tell ourself. One that it's no big deal. And then two is a false sense of confidence, telling ourself we got this figured out, when that's not the full story. And the third lie that we can tell ourself is that I'm grateful, gratitude, being thankful for things very, very powerful. But if we're not believing it, it's only hurting us.
Speaker 1:
And usually when I hear guys say I should be grateful, underneath is a truth that they're suffering, that there's some pain there, that they hurt, and they're not acknowledging that truth. I'm talking to this guy that's going through a tough divorce and he's got a hard time saying that. He's struggling and his brain starts telling him thoughts like I know. People have it worse. There are people out there that are starving and homeless. I shouldn't feel so bad. I should be grateful for everything I have, and gratitude is powerful.
Speaker 1:
But if we're faking the gratitude because we think we should feel grateful, then we're keeping ourself stuck. We all suffer, and suffering is gonna look different for you than it is for someone else. And when we gloss over our true feelings, we don't move forward in our relationships, we don't move forward in life. So we want to start acknowledging what's true for us. So those are three of the lies that I see a lot of guys telling themselves in their brain and not slowing down and acknowledging what's true for them. First one is it's no big deal. When we have a lot going on, when there's life stuff happening, we tell ourselves that it's no big deal. The second one is we pretend to have confidence when we're not really 100% confident. And then the third is Saying I'm grateful when we're not really feeling gratitude and we're covering up a suffering, a pain underneath, all right.
Speaker 1:
So instead of saying what you think people want you to say or what you should say, be real with yourself. Are you journaling about it? Are you just saying it out loud to yourself? I heard this study that talking to a lamp post for 45 minutes is Just as effective as going to a therapy session. So, speaking our truth out loud to an empty room, I you can speak it to your dog on a walk and, honestly, it can feel scary saying some of those thoughts that you haven't said before.
Speaker 1:
I actually remember the first time I told Brenda that I thought I was failing as a husband and father and when I told her it I was shaky a little bit and that might feel extreme, but when I wasn't acknowledging that I had all these other destructive behaviors for my health, for our relationship. So we want to own our emotions, we want to be real with ourselves and I I promise it lightens the load and you're more productive and you're healthier afterwards. So ask yourself how am I feeling right now? And if the feeling is awesome and grateful and strong and confident, perfect, roll with it. You can also ask yourself how am I really feeling? And listen to what your body has to say, not just what your brain wants to say. All right, so that's the, that's the challenge for you guys. How am I really feeling? Dig into that, dive into that, hold space for yourself to be real. All right, have an awesome week and I'll catch you next time.