This is the Durable Dad podcast. I'm your host, tommy Geary. This show is going to give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work, your community and, most importantly, your family. Alright, what's up? Episode number 55.
Speaker 1:
This has been one of those weeks where we are running a business from home and juggling kids schedules. Tuesday was an in-service teacher day, so our oldest was home. The lady's house that watches our younger daughter. She's been sick, so now our younger daughter's been home the last two days.
Speaker 1:
This kind of feels like it's been our life for the last year and we're rolling with it a lot more smoothly and it can be frustrating, feel like I'm going too slow, could be going faster, and that's part of life. I was actually listening to James Clear, atomic Habits author, on a podcast, a parenting podcast called Good Inside, which is an awesome podcast to check out. He was on there and he's the Atomic Habits guy Processes plans, his day has everything dialed. He became a dad recently after he wrote the book and he said the biggest thing that he's had to learn is flexibility and being able to roll with changes in schedule. That's what we're doing this week. I might have even mentioned this before on the podcast, but it is such a big thing as a dad to have a plan, know what you want to do and then, when that doesn't happen because daycares closed and schools are out, shift. Flow with the changes and adapt. That's where I'm at this week. I'm flowing, I'm adapting. Hope you are doing well, whatever you got going on in life. Today what I want to talk about is this trend that I'm seeing in guys and it's the avoidance of conflict with their wife, not so much in the workplace although a lot of guys will avoid conflict in the workplace but more at home Men avoiding conflict with their wives. That's what we're talking about today. Why do we avoid conflict and let issues fester and how to think about conflict differently.
Speaker 1:
Maybe your wife says you're not a good communicator. You never tell me how you're feeling. I never know what you're thinking. You're quiet all the time. She's told you this a bunch. It's an ongoing conversation. It comes up every few months. You talk about it, you work through it. Maybe the conversation is an argument about you not communicating and you agree, you're going to try to get better at it. Then, a few months down the road, your wife brings up the same issue.
Speaker 1:
In between those conversations about being a better communicator, expressing your thoughts, expressing your feelings, there are a bunch of other conversations that have been avoided, little things that tick us off, that we don't want to bring up in a conversation with our wife. This could be something like how the dishwasher is loaded, it could be how the mail is sorted Little things like that, but it could also be big things. It could be parenting issues that you see, or it could be finances and the Amazon packages that keep showing up and spending left and right Things that are making us frustrated or irritating us. We keep inside. We don't communicate them. Why? Because men let these little things go unspoken. The main thing that I see is that men look at these conversations like they're a competition. They think this is going to be a conflict and I need to be right and I'm not going to be right. If I'm not going to be right, I'm not going to bring up the issue. If I bring this issue up, the conversation is going to drag on, it's going to be emotionally draining and I'm just not going to bring it up. It's not worth it. It's not worth the fight. This has been a big growth area for me in the last four, five years. Even on the regular I get defensive in conflict when Brent and I are having these kinds of conversations.
Speaker 1:
On the flip side, brenda does not mind conflict. I don't know if your wife's like that. It's interesting to her. She likes to know how I'm feeling, she wants to know how I'm thinking and she wants to understand what's going on for me. And she likes to talk about a difference of opinion. And that's what conflict is when two people disagree on something. And I honestly have a hard time believing she enjoys those conversations. It's not like she gets pumped up about it, but she enjoys it. She doesn't mind it. And we'll be having a discussion, one of these conversations where we're not on the same page and I'll point something out that she hasn't thought of and she'll be like oh okay, I didn't think about that.
Speaker 1:
And on the flip side, if we're having one of those conversations and that happens to me, she points something out that I wasn't thinking about, I feel defeated and I have a hard time acknowledging that she's got a point and for some reason it feels personal, it feels like an attack. I should have known, I should have been out ahead of that and I know this about myself. I can see my brain and my body and my defense coming up when we're in these types of conversations and knowing that just acknowledging that helps me open up a little bit. And that's what I want for you. I want you to be able to approach these conversations knowing that you're going to feel defensive and like it's personal, but it's not really personal. So I'm going to go over four things that can help you have a healthy conflict in your marriage, and the first one is to stop looking at it like a competition.
Speaker 1:
As I'm trying to think of a metaphor to explain conflict, I was thinking about where I have fun in life and something that is a challenge, yet fun and a little lighter is hacky sacking, because that's something I do with some of my neighbor buddies. We'll shoot a text out and, hey, you guys want to have a hack session, and I think everyone has their own hacky sack now, because one of my neighbors just gave me one and we'll go out there and we'll just tap the hacky sack around, pop it to each other listen, chat, laugh. It's not aggressive and that's what we're looking for in conflict with our wife Less aggression, more lightness and when you are in these conversations that feel like conflict with your wife. There's no winner or lose. You don't have to get on the same page. You might not even end the conversation with the same opinion. You can be on the same team and have different opinions, agree to disagree, walk away, talk about it later.
Speaker 1:
Conflict doesn't have to be a competition. That's number one. It's probably the biggest thing for us to start Approaching these conversations instead of avoiding them, because that's the goal. How do we start trying to Engage in these types of conversations? Number one stop looking at like a competition. The second thing Don't take it personally. So your Competence, your abilities, your level of smartness, that's not what these conversations are about.
Speaker 1:
But we get stuck thinking that our brain Really quickly goes to a personal attack on us. Let's say your wife wants to talk about how you're parenting the kids and you've been yelling a lot, you've been flipping out a lot and she wants to talk about it. Our brain, to go into this conversation, can go very quickly to I'm a bad dad, I'm being attacked. That'll have us avoid the conversation. We won't want to be in that conversation. If it's a talk about money and finances and budget, we might go straight to I'm not a good provider, I'm not providing enough for my family and take it personally. But that's not what these conversations are about. There are discussions on how to handle the kids, their discussions on how to Manage your money for the future. It's about getting better. It's about growth and you're on the same team. Now just a quick side note if it does become a personal attack, if One of you are telling the other person that they're a shitty husband or a shitty wife or a shitty parent, that falls into the bucket of contempt. Thinking that you're better than the other person, that's a little bit deeper. That you know. It's one of the four horsemen of a relationship. If you look at the Gottman Institute and not gonna dive into that, what I'm Talking about is when our brain is interpreting the start of a conversation as an attack. If your wife just wants to talk about something and right away You're feeling like it's an attack on you personally, all right.
Speaker 1:
The third part of having a healthy conflict is to speak your truth and to accept your partner's truth. This is all about connecting to each other. It's all about connecting to yourself. That's, that's what conflict can be. It can be an opportunity to connect, to get to know each other better. That's a reframe right there. Conflict isn't a competition. Conflict is an opportunity to connect.
Speaker 1:
Now the truth is Sometimes blind to us. You know, a few podcasts ago I put out the top lies that we tell ourselves. We do lie to ourselves and to uncover our truth, take some reflection, take some thinking. It's a lot of the work that I do with guys. Why did I flip out in this conversation? Why did I get so defensive? Why did I yell at my kids the? The truth is Kind of those first two points. The truth is I'm looking at this like a competition. I'm taking it personally. I'm feeling like this is attack on my worthiness and I am defending against it.
Speaker 1:
Whatever your truth is, having a healthy conflict with your partner is about expressing that, and we don't usually express it because we think it's just gonna ruffle feathers, it's just gonna stir the pot, and I just want to keep things calm. I want to keep things neutral and moving ahead. So we say whatever and we just keep moving. But you have an opinion, you have something to say. A healthy conflict, you share it. You don't sweep it under the rug, and Speaking your truth can be really vulnerable, very uncomfortable, and I don't want to make this too extreme, but it is something new. We we haven't communicated like this for most of our life. We're gonna start doing something new. It's always hard to do something new, so it's uncomfortable, and that's actually what it takes to be a strong husband. A strong father is opening up to that vulnerability. Now we want that vulnerability to be received in a safe way, and this is another part of having a healthy conflict.
Speaker 1:
It's the fourth thing that I want to talk about. It's sticking around. It's being in a conversation and both of you agreeing to respect each other, to be responsible for their own emotions and your own thoughts and stories. It's so you can feel safe with each other. This is keeping it light and not personal, not about winning and losing Not he said, she said. It's about understanding the other person. There needs to be that safe environment where you both know you're sticking around For this conversation. We're in it together. We're going to stick around and it doesn't matter what I say or what you say. I'm not going to walk away. And human beings have this innate desire. It's one of our strongest innate desires to attach, to want to be loved to want to be safe when we're really young. Being safe means being attached to someone that can take care of us, and it's the same thing in our relationship now. We want to feel like the other person isn't going to run away. That's big in conflict being able to say, hey, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. That's a big part of having a healthy conflict. So big takeaway If you're avoiding conflict in your marriage, I want you to think about it differently.
Speaker 1:
I want you to think about it less as a competition, more as an opportunity to connect. I don't want you to take what your partner says personally. I want you to know that you're in it together and this is a two-way street. Maybe you have your partner listen to this podcast, so conflict doesn't mean that something went wrong. It really is an opportunity to get closer. If this is landing with you guys, that durable duo workshop is coming up. Get your wife on board, get a babysitter, get child coverage, schedule rides and take a couple hours to work on your marriage and having these healthy conflicts, healthy conversations, because I want you to thrive in your marriage. I want it to be the best part of your life. Okay, that's what I got for you guys. Have an awesome week and I'll catch you next time.