Durable Dad with Tommy Geary
The Durable Dad podcast gives men the skills and tools they need to be rock solid for their family, their work and their community.
Durable Dad with Tommy Geary
066: Father Figures: Lesson and Legacies
When it comes to our dads, I see guys fall into one of three camps:
- My dad wasn’t around.
- My dad was around, but he wasn’t a great dad.
- I strive to be more like my dad.
Or maybe you’re a blend of two of the above.
No matter which camp you fall into, that father/son relationship is driving your actions today.
That’s why you want to take a look, and make sure you’ve got a helpful perspective fueling your decisions.
Tune into today’s episode for some tools that’ll remove blocks and drive you to be exactly the man you want to be.
This is the Durable Dad Podcast. I'm your host, tommy Geary. This show is going to give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work, your community and, most importantly, your family. All right, what's up? Episode number 66. It is Father's Day week. So, dads, happy Father's Day. Hope you got something planned. Whether it's chill, whether it's big and exciting, my day's going to be pretty chill. It's a day where people celebrate us and I would say, just receive it, bask in the celebration of being a dad, because it's an awesome job and it's a hard job, so we get this day to accept the acknowledgement. So happy Father's Day, guys.
Speaker 1:Today I'm kind of inspired by the topic we're going to talk about in two different ways. One's from some client sessions and the other is this organization that I've gotten involved in this past year and it's called the Program Inc. And they support boys growing up in fatherless homes and there's a lot of career mentoring and just fun social events. But to give you an idea, one of the recent events they did were mock interviews. So these are high school kids. They went to a class that taught them how to prepare, what to expect for an interview, and then Chick-fil-A. They partnered with Chick-fil-A to do some real interviews Well, mock interviews, but they sat in front of real managers from Chick-fil-A and it was such a cool event. Remember what it was like for your first interview that you went to? I don't remember much, except for the pit stains that were in my shirt that I was worried about the entire time I was talking. And I mean, these kids don't have dads at home that are guiding them, that are encouraging them to get out there. And this organization was there to help these boys prepare for the interview, talk about how to get dressed, encourage, cheerlead, support, give these boys some positive male influence in their life. So this organization crushing it it's also got me thinking about the biggest male influence we have in our life, which is our father, and I coach a lot of dads on this.
Speaker 1:It comes up in sessions because the relationship we have with our fathers really impacts our life today. It impacts how we parent, how we treat our wife, how we are in our community, our goals, our aspirations, and whether our dad is around still or whether he's already passed away. There's an impact there and when I'm talking to guys, it seems like dads fall into these three categories. One is that they weren't around. They weren't present in their life. Another is that they were around but they weren't really great at being a dad. Some guys will say that my dad was a good man but he wasn't a good dad. And then the third is the guys that have a lot of respect for their dad, that they want to emulate their dad and be like their dad, repeat how their dad was a parent. So which category does your dad fit into? Could be a blend of some of them, and I gave you a second there because I want you to kind of just Give some space, let in this time, to explore your relationship with your dad.
Speaker 1:When you think about him, what thoughts come through your brain? When you think about your dad, what sentences are running through your brain If he's still around when your dad walks into the room, what changes in you? When your dad walks into the room, like, what changes in you? And so when guys do this, we can have a very positive experience with our dad and it's an uplifting feeling. There's things about him that we admire, or there's a wall, there's blame, there's resentment. So just notice what comes up for you, and the goal is to try to find a helpful perspective. When you think about your dad and this could be easy for you Some guys this is really difficult If the thoughts that you notice is how your dad screwed you over, how your dad didn't teach you what you needed, or he worried too much about work and he was never interested in what you wanted to do.
Speaker 1:He was only into his own stuff. He wasn't very encouraging. If the thoughts go there, there's a blame that's heavy, there's a weight, and that blame only hurts you. Being angry, resentful only weighs you down, and I don't want to brush or minimize those kinds of thoughts about our dads, because they're there and we just want to create awareness around them right now, because the perspective we want to get to is something that's a little more helpful, a little more uplifting. And the cool thing is is that we can change our relationship with our dad without talking to him, without ever having him change and that's a topic for a whole nother podcast the thoughts and perspectives and judgments we have about people. That is our relationship with the other person, so I'll explain more of that later. But really you can get to have a relationship with your dad that isn't packed with anger and resentment and it is lighter and your goal could be to get to a place of gratitude, empathy for your dad. And if that feels like hell no, I'd never be able to get there then that's cool. If you don't want to explore the relationship, you don't have to, but I'm telling you it lifts a weight.
Speaker 1:I've seen guys shift their energy when they start to explore this relationship with their dad. I mean one guy his dad wasn't around his whole life but he had other father figures that were around that guided him. And when he thinks about his dad and his dad not being around, he actually has this perspective of if he was around, my life might have been worse. Like if he was my male role model, I might not have turned out the way that I have. So it's not a grateful or empathy, but it is a perspective that's helpful for him. It doesn't harbor resentment.
Speaker 1:Another guy his dad has passed away and doing some of this exploration with the relationship with his dad, he found some forgiveness. He understood that his dad had a tough life and even though he wasn't the best father he wasn't really set up to be the best father. So I say this to show that you can change the relationship with your dad without having to talk to him, without having him change at all. So when you do this, find a different perspective, empathy, gratitude, just a more helpful perspective. It allows you to step out of the blame and victim mindset which you know I've already underscored. It could be justified If your dad was a jerk and not a great dad. Of course there's going to be some blame and victimization in there. That's okay. We want to explore it. And then we want to try to let go, because when you let go of the blame, because when you let go of the blame, you start thinking more clearly and it empowers you to be your own man. Drop the shit that your dad did or didn't do and you can decide how you want to parent. So on this Father's Day, we're going to work on celebrating our dad, giving gratitude for him, giving appreciation to him, and if you're listening to this and you're like no way, no way, I'm getting there set up a strategy session and let's talk about it, because I know you can get there if you want to.
Speaker 1:And one thing that has helped a lot of guys is writing a letter to their dad, and this isn't something you send. So if your dad's already passed away, you can still write this letter. This letter is for you, and in this letter maybe you get things off your chest, like you tell your dad what you wish he would have done and tell him why you're pissed, talk about an experience that you wish you could relive with him and why you're sorry. You know you can write to your dad. This is your letter. Write why you're thankful, right, what good traits do you have because of how your dad was. Tell him why you know it was hard for him, like it must have been hard for you to dot, dot, dot, like finish that sentence.
Speaker 1:When you do this, there's awareness, there's healing and I think the biggest thing is that you can start to clearly decide what traits you want to bring with you, what traits you want to pass on to the next generation, and where you're drawing a line in the sand, like what traits and behaviors you are not going to pass on to your kids. We can parent and live and lead the way that we want to. That's true to us. I got two clients right now that I'm working with that. Their dads recently got diagnosed with cancer and it'll bring up A lot of emotions and they can be confusing and they can be packed. So what I want to say and I think what they would say is that they wish they worked on this stuff earlier, they wish they explored their relationship with their dad earlier, and it's a celebration and it's healing, whatever it looks like. So where this starts is to develop a helpful perspective of your dad. So this Father's Day, take a couple minutes to write this letter. Lighten your load and I'll catch you next week.
