Durable Dad with Tommy Geary
The Durable Dad podcast gives men the skills and tools they need to be rock solid for their family, their work and their community.
Durable Dad with Tommy Geary
072: Master the Worry Matrix
Men have a list of things to worry about. Take your pick:
- Are you saving enough money?
- Will your kids turn out okay?
- Will your kids have fond memories of you?
- Are you failing in your career?
If you really pay attention and listen to the voice in your head, it’s probably worrying. A lot.
Yet, worrying is the most useless action we can take.
Today’s episode will teach you how to use the worry matrix – a series of three questions that’ll snap you out of worry and into action.
This is the Durable Dad Podcast. I'm your host, tommy Geary. This show is gonna give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work, your community and, most importantly, your family. All right, what's up? Episode number 72. Hope you are doing well, wherever you're at. Today we are going to dive in to worry. That's what we're talking about today.
Speaker 1:Last week I have a couple buddies that I meet with. They're actually more than buddies, they're my shield lock, and if you smile and laugh at that or you think what the heck is a shield lock, the men's workout group or men's group that I'm in called F3, they build this leadership development program and part of the program is getting a shield lock. Shield lock is taken from how the Spartan warriors used to fight. So the Spartan warriors had this technique of fighting where they would fight in groups and they had these shields and they were badasses and they fought together and when someone would attack, they would use their shields to kind of ball up and protect each other. So a shield lock is a group of guys that protect each other and make each other stronger right the next level of friendship to a shield lock. And these guys that I meet with. We probably meet every other week, every three weeks, and we try to have someone lead the hangout right. We go get coffee at this spot and someone will come with a topic and some questions to get a conversation going. We don't always do that. Sometimes we just chat about nothing in the world and don't have much structure. But last week we had structure and the guy that was leading brought the topic of worry and he has inspired this subject because as we talked about it around the table, it was just so obvious that a lot of men worry. Right and it's totally normal to worry. It's a part of our brain that functions to try to look out for us, but it can get out of hand. Kind of talked about it last week a little bit with anxiety.
Speaker 1:Worry is a form of anxiety. It's a form of fear about a future that hasn't happened yet. Things that came up when we were talking about it last week were finances and money and worrying if we're making enough or saving enough. Do we have enough to give our kids everything they want, everything they need? Our brain can spin on worrying about that. The guys that I was talking to were all business owners. I think there's a lot of worry in career and if you own a business, am I working on the right thing? Questioning future decisions, questioning ourselves, questioning the business, is it going to fail? When we worry about failing in the future, that can be pretty dang stressful and pretty paralyzing. That's the thing about worry is that it's not very useful. We don't take a lot of action when we're worrying. The guy that brought the topic last week said this awesome quote. I don't know if it was attributed to anybody or he just found it. He said worry is like a rocking chair it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. Right, it's not very useful. We don't take a lot of action when we're worrying. Another thing that we talked about last week were kids worrying, what they think about us or how would they describe me as a dad, like the legacy that we would leave behind? Am I doing a good job as a dad? And this question was pretty prominent for me last week.
Speaker 1:I kind of had a moment the other night. It was late at night and Nell had just brushed her teeth. I was tired, I wanted to go to bed and somehow she talked me into having a Popsicle, because earlier in the day I said that she could have have a popsicle. She never got to have it. I had totally forgotten about this. She didn't. I wanted to keep my word, so she's brushed her teeth. We're having a popsicle and I'm already feeling like enough is enough.
Speaker 1:I've been really patient. We're going to go to sleep after this popsicle and of course, after the popsicle she wants to grab a toy before we go up to bed. And I'm like no, we're just going to bed. And the tears start rolling. And I'm patient. We talk through the tears, I'm like all, right time to go to bed, but I'm still hungry. And I'm like no, and tears start again. And this is a reoccurring thing. When it's time to go to bed, she says she's hungry. So usually our parenting tactic is okay if you're really hungry, you can have avocado or nuts. So she's calm for a second. I give her the avocado nuts options and she's about to cry again and I say directly in her face oh, you're going to cry right now. And she said I'm trying not to, with like these purse slips that were quivering and straight arms just holding on to her sadness. And as soon as she said that, I just was like damn it, tommy. This is the stuff I coach on and I lost my cool.
Speaker 1:Next morning I wake up and there was a lot of worry about am I the right dad? Am I doing a good enough job? We worry about how we're doing as a dad. We also worry about our kids' futures. A lot of the times, their behavior right now, if they are lazy or they wake up late or they don't listen very well, we start to create in our mind this worry about how they're going to be as an adult. Are they going to fail as an adult because of things that are happening now? It's this false prediction of the future. That's what worry is. So we all worry totally normal, I think. For me, most of the time I'll worry in the morning, like I was just saying, about questioning myself as a good dad, and my mind just spins on that, on the other stuff that I talked about. Maybe something's going on with a vacation coming up or hanging out with family coming up. I can spin out on that and worry and, like I was saying before, it's not useful. No productive action happens when we're worried about something.
Speaker 1:The guy that was leading last week found this matrix to work through to get you from being worried into action. So I'm going to go through this matrix and give you a tool, when you notice that you're worried, to break that worried cycle. The first question is do I have a problem? That is such a solid question to really explore.
Speaker 1:I kind of think of this matrix as a thought exercise. Do I actually have a problem? You can go and look at the facts, like your bank account, your income. You might be totally fine on paper, but your brain's still making a big deal out of it. So the first question is do I really have a problem? So you inspect that, you think about that, and if your answer is no, then the question is why are you worrying? I mean, that's a lot of the time what I do with my coaches when I'm really spinning out in worry is I'll be able to just blurt out why I'm worried, let my stream of consciousness go, and then you can really question those thoughts on paper. Are they true, are they false? Is it really a problem? So that's one line of the matrix Do I really have a problem?
Speaker 1:If the answer is no, then why worry at all? Change your focus to something that needs your attention, that you want to put your attention to. If your answer is yes, you do have a problem, then you ask yourself another question Can I do something about it? And if the answer is yes, just go freaking, do that thing, stop worrying, do that thing and as soon as you take an action step, you're not worrying anymore. Because if we think about the thinking cycle and it's our thoughts creating our emotions, our emotions creating our actions and our actions proving our thoughts true, that action is going to create a different thought than I don't know where my revenue is coming from. It's going to create a thought like I'm taking steps forward, I'm doing what it takes and we're going to have a new thinking cycle. We're not going to be worried anymore. We're going to be taking action, and that action really should be going towards the problem that you have Not busy work or answering the email that just came in or saying yes to a request that comes in. The action should be going towards the problem that you're worrying about.
Speaker 1:Other problems aren't as straightforward and those are usually the problems in a relationship. So let's say it's a parenting thing, your kid's having a hard time at school with friends or with their grades, and is there something you can do about it? So we can't go and change our kids if we're just like telling them what they should be doing. That doesn't always work. What can we control to help this problem? Can you ask more questions? Can you plan some chill one-on-one time? Can you stop nagging so much?
Speaker 1:Last week, when I got frustrated with my daughter and questioning if I'm a good dad or a bad dad the next day, what can I do about it I laid off a little bit. I wasn't as on top of her with telling her what to do. It was the morning and we were getting ready for camp and she was struggling a little bit getting ready, getting out the door, because I think a lot of kids do. I know she does and I was just more at ease. I had journaled about how I was beating myself up and I cleared my head and told myself just be chill this morning, don't rush her, wake her up a little early. So we had some extra time to just be chill and really this worry matrix was helpful in stepping out of the being worried and doing something that I can control.
Speaker 1:All right, so we've got our three questions. It's do I have a problem? And if you don't have a problem, then why worry? Stop worrying and change your focus. If you do have a problem, you ask can I do something about it? Really think about it, how can you impact it? And if the answer is yes, then you do that thing. If the answer is no, if this problem that's out there is external, something you really can't control and your behaviors don't really affect, then why worry? Can you let the worry go and can you change your focus? Put your energy into a problem that needs your attention, one of your responsibilities that you want to move the needle on? All right.
Speaker 1:So to recap, we all worry. It's a part of our brain that is trying to serve us, trying to look out for danger that might be ahead, and it's not useful. We never take productive action when we're worried. Worrying is like a rocking chair it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. Get you anywhere. So use this worried matrix to get yourself out of spinning anxiety, thinking about negative future, and into some action Now. You don't even have to start thinking about the positive future right away. Just start taking some action towards the problem that you have and you'll already get out of the worry, you'll find more motivation. You'll find more action. All right, that's what I got for you guys today. Have an awesome week and I'll catch you next time.
