Durable Dad with Tommy Geary
The Durable Dad podcast gives men the skills and tools they need to be rock solid for their family, their work and their community.
Durable Dad with Tommy Geary
080: How to Stay in the Driver’s Seat
We all have a default mode of operating – Our general disposition.
Maybe it’s intense go-go mode, or more of a slow, steady, calm mode.
The important thing to remember is that we get to control our mode.
It’s not hardwired.
You’re in the driver seat and your hand is on the gear shifter.
Being self-led means shifting down or up for the appropriate situations.
4th gear isn’t helpful while parenting or during an argument. 1st gear isn’t helpful when it’s time to work out or close a deal.
And sometimes, the most helpful gear we can put it in is park. To reset so we we can shift up from there.
Listen to today’s episode to learn why it all starts with presence. That’s how we access the self and become aware of what gear we’re currently in and what gear will be most helpful for the existing situation.
This is the Durable Dad Podcast. I'm your host, tommy Geary. This show is gonna give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work, your community and, most importantly, your family. All right, episode number 80. I am just getting back from Chicago.
Speaker 1:I was doing one of the Durable Dad Day events. It was last Friday and the weather was perfect. We rented this cabin just outside of Chicago, in the suburbs, and we didn't even use the cabin. We were just on the grounds in the woods around the fire pit, which we didn't have to light because it was so nice outside the whole time. And I don't know, I leave those days feeling pretty filled up, reminded that when guys can take a break, step back and connect with each other, how beneficial it is for our health, for our growth. I mean, when we wrap up this day, one of the exercises that we did, at least this time, was kind of an intention for the next year, setting some type of goal when do you want to grow as a man? And some guys talk about in their marriage or as a father or in their career. And what I loved is that these guys did not know each other before the day started and at the end. You know we go through all that and then the event's over. But the informal goodbyes just kind of overhearing the discussions. Guys are exchanging numbers, guys are wishing each other luck on the things that they said they want to work on, and it was just really cool and I'm looking forward to hosting another one, going to have one coming up in Northwest Ohio soon and then probably get some on the calendar for next spring and maybe other group type retreats or events. I've just been getting feedback from guys that if they can't make it, they wish they had more of a heads up, so figuring out what that looks like for 2025, but there is a durable dad day coming up in Northwest Ohio. Date will be coming out soon, so be on the lookout for that. And today, shifting to what we're going to talk about today, we are going to talk about being self-led.
Speaker 1:I was on a coaching call last week with a client that he lives in the city and he has a second home and this past summer he decided to spend four weeks at his second house outside of the city and that meant not going into the office every day and he owns his own business and that's different for him. So the four weeks was awesome, spent a lot of time with family, worked while he was out there. But for the first three weeks he said he had this constant agitation that he should be doing more, that he should be more productive, that it was a mistake to be out there and not go in the office. So that part of him that was keeping him agitated also disconnected him from being with his family in the evenings and being fully present. And I'm not going to paint a horrible picture on this because he had a blast and it was actually a really successful four weeks. But when we're coaching we try to take good situations and perform even better in them. And one of the things he noticed was this agitation that he wasn't doing enough when he was trying to settle down. So two speeds he had going on here. He had the goal of slowing down a bit over the summer and he had this default behavior of going really fast and really intense with work and being productive. So even though he was still being productive while he was away and getting shit done, that intense part that is his default a lot of the time was trying to override the system.
Speaker 1:I got this visual starting to come to me and it's pretty much that we're cruising through life in a car and we get to choose when to move, how fast to move, when to put it in park and when to reverse. So I've been playing with this visual and reverse is tying into reflection and drive could be in first gear, could be fourth gear. Fourth gear is going really fast, being productive, getting shit done. More of that work, go, go, go mentality and you can shift down to second gear where you're still moving forward, but maybe it's playing in the pool with your kids or it's family game night. A lot of the time we will think that we have a default setting, that we are the way we are and that's just how we operate. But what I want you to understand is that we actually have control over what gear the car is in and that is all about being self-led. Being able to control what gear you're in as you're driving through life comes down to leading yourself from within.
Speaker 1:So who is that person that has his hand on the gear shifter and is moving? The personalities, the speed that we need to be at for the particular situation we're in, or the road that we're on? The self is present. It's the present part of you that's not thinking about the past, that's not thinking about the future and is aware of what's going on around itself. So sometimes the self gets distracted and you can be at dinner with your family and you're checking your email on your phone and you're thinking about what you didn't get done at work and what needs to happen tomorrow and getting the kids ready for bedtime, and you're not present with your family. So what happens when you're not present and your brain's all over the place is you stay stuck in a certain gear. So in this case, at family dinner maybe you're stuck in third or fourth gear, still trying to move, trying to get stuff done, when the situation might call for you to be down into second or down into first, maybe even neutral, cruising around, and the only way to shift out of fourth and into the lower gear is to get present, is to connect with yourself. That's in the present moment, and then that person can lead and shift the car down.
Speaker 1:It's good to be aware that we have different gears and different speeds, because what I run into with a lot of guys is that they are in that fourth gear go, go, go most of the time Be productive, get shit done, and they don't want to let go of that and go into the downshift because they've been stuck in fourth gear so long. That's what ends up leading to burnout if we stay stuck in fourth gear. But what I'll hear him say is that I like that intensity. That intensity gets me going, that intensity pushes the ball down the field. It's what brought me a lot of success in life and that is true in work and in sports in some case, relationships that we have. But the softer skills, the communication, the parenting, the nurturing, the compassion, is at a whole different gear than fourth gear.
Speaker 1:Fourth gear can be really motivating. It can be those thoughts that are like you can do it, you got this, like I can take on anything, I can get this done. Boom, push to the finish line, like that. That could be fourth gear. But the way you know you're stuck in fourth gear is if that voice goes from motivating to kind of degrading that you're not doing enough, you should be doing more. That voice that's happens when you're trying to shift down and you're stuck in that gear. So before you can shift you have to become aware of what gear you're in.
Speaker 1:I don't know if this visualization is getting too convoluted, but this is how it works. We want to be self-led, we want to have control over our behaviors and the speed we're going in life. And in order to do that, I want you to pretend that you're driving the car of your life and this person driving is in the present moment. They are calm, they know that they're doing well enough, they know that everything is good in the world and it feels settled. That's the self, that's the guy we want leading. We don't want to be stuck in a gear and not having a conscious driver behind the wheel.
Speaker 1:So the way that you do it is you start by getting present and looking down at the shifter. So maybe it's. You take a couple breaths and you look down at the shifter and you say what gear am I in right now? And you can tell by your breathing, by your heart rate, you can tell by the thoughts you're having or the actions you're taking, by your heart rate. You can tell by the thoughts you're having or the actions you're taking.
Speaker 1:Let's say you are procrastinating and you're thumbing through your phone and you notice that right Now yourself has noticed you're in first gear, just kind of drudging through, looking at your phone and procrastinating.
Speaker 1:So the next question is is what gear does this situation call for?
Speaker 1:And if you're at work and you have stuff that needs to get done, maybe the first step is just to shift to second gear and to make a list of what the priorities will be for the rest of the day.
Speaker 1:Or you notice that you're procrastinating, that you've been grinding in first gear for a long time and you need to put it in the park and take a few breaths or take a walk and then shift into fourth gear because you got this one project you need to knock out today and, freaking stay in fourth gear to finish the day and, freaking stay in fourth gear to finish the day. You have control over the behaviors that you're taking on in the world, and this is huge in parenting and at home, because those higher gears usually aren't where we want to be. When we're with our family, we're with our family, and to be self-led means to know when you're in those high gears and have the internal leadership to shift down and to stay in the appropriate gear. That's what I got for you guys this week. Hope you have a good one and I will catch you next time.
