Durable Dad with Tommy Geary
The Durable Dad podcast gives men the skills and tools they need to be rock solid for their family, their work and their community.
Durable Dad with Tommy Geary
086: 3 Stoic Principles to Navigate Family Tension
This week, we cover three Stoic practices to navigate family tension and not let it get in the way of enjoying the holidays.
You will:
- Plan for potential difficulties so you’re not blindsided.
- Reframe challenges as opportunities.
- Accept people for who they are and love them anyway.
Listen so you can relieve tension and soak in the holidays with your fam.
This is the Durable Dad Podcast. I'm your host, Tommy Geary. This show is going to give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock-solid man for your work, your community and, most importantly, your family. What is happening? Episode 86, middle of December, the holiday season. Hope you guys are crushing the end of the year. Hope you're spending some time reflecting, getting focused on 2025, setting some goals. We're actually hosting a workshop. It's going to be in person in Perrysburg, coming up in January, and it's going to be all about getting focused, setting some goals, clarity for 2025, making sure that we're spending our time and energy in the right places. So, if you're local, check that out. Look for details on the website.
Speaker 1:Today we are going to be talking about something that a lot of us deal with this time of the year, and it's going to be family tension, and I think for most of us, this comes up the holidays can bring some level of frustration or awkwardness with our family or our friends. So when I say that, what comes up for you? Where's there tension in your family or in your in-laws family? Just kind of think about that. And today we're going to talk about how to navigate that tension. Ease it a little bit so we can relax and enjoy the holidays and we don't have stuff ruminating in our head and kind of just yeah, the underlying tension and annoyingness. So some of these things can be small. It could be like one of the guys I was talking to. He had this cat dog thing going on. His family just got a new cat and wanted to bring it to Christmas. His brother brings a dog to Christmas at his parents' house and it was bringing up some tension and we talked about it. He vented a little. He ended up laughing at himself and reminded himself that he loves his brother and likes spending time with the family and so moving through the frustration, and so you know, moving through the frustration and there's little things. There's also big stuff, kind of the old family dynamics that have been in the picture, for wives and those family parties are awkward and there's tension there. Or a brother-in-law that is super sensitive and it's hard to be around him because he makes everything about him. A lot of guys will have wives that get kind of stressed over the holidays and how do you handle that as a man? How do you be there to support your wife? So lots of different things can happen within the family dynamics and, whether it's big, whether it's small, these people we love, they're the most important people in our life in a lot of cases, but they can get under our skin and they can frustrate us and we don't always feel that love for them.
Speaker 1:Around your house, you're grumpy because there's something in your head ruminating that your mom said or that someone said. The good news is that you don't have to stay stuck there. You can handle it better, and these stoic principles that I'm going to talk about can help. So, reminding you again, the Stoics have talked about this philosophy on the podcast before, but they're all about controlling what's in your control and letting go of what isn't. So the first one that we're going to talk about. Well, before we talk about the first one, I do want to underline that tension is okay. Knowing that there is going to be family tension, of course that's fine. We want to accept that. We want to acknowledge that people can piss us off or we can get triggered emotions, whether it's frustration or disappointment, all the emotions that we talk about on this podcast. We get to decide how we want to react, and so that's what these principles do. They help you decide how you want to react to the external world. So number one premeditatio malorum so fancy Latin word. That pretty much means you're going to plan for your problems, You're going to imagine potential problems before they happen so you don't get caught off guard.
Speaker 1:And an example of this Brenda and I happened a few weeks ago. We were going to a Thanksgiving party and Marlo, our youngest daughter, is black and we're learning how to raise her in our white family. So she's about 20 months old and we've noticed that people really like patting her head and touching her hair and we've learned that this is a common issue. So we're trying to figure out how to handle this and we don't want to be passive, aggressive about it with passive, aggressive comments. I mean, I have already made this mistake. One of our little cousins was patting Marlo's hair and making comments about it and I started patting her head and said do you like it when people pat your head? And we want to come at it with love. All of these people love her no ill intentions and we want to come at it from love also. So a couple of days before the party, Brenda and I took five minutes and discussed how we want to approach it and not going to go into details on how we decided to handle it, but it's an example of premeditatio malorum imagining the potential troubles that could arise in the future and deciding how you want to navigate them.
Speaker 1:So maybe for you it's knowing that your dad is going to bring up politics or that your mom is going to make some comment about your parenting or about one of your kids. Think about what is likely to come up and how you typically respond and how you want to respond. Planning ahead always lets you stay a little bit more calm and avoid overreacting in situations. So that's number one. Number two is the obstacle is the way. So this is about finding opportunity in the challenges. Big stoic principle and the Obstacle is the Way is actually the name of one of Ryan Holiday's books. So tip of the cap to Ryan Holiday over the holidays.
Speaker 1:He definitely hones in on the point that challenges aren't just roadblocks, they're actually chances to grow. So one of my clients he leads a department at work and his team was having a holiday party. They have a holiday party every year and he wasn't looking forward to it, kind of dreading it. He called it just this weird pressure to connect with people that I barely want to see, and instead of just dreading it, we reframed it. What if this party is an opportunity? What if it's an opportunity to build culture, and the kind of culture that he wants on his team? We've been talking about his leadership development for the last year and how much he's grown into this role of department head, and this party could be an opportunity for him to celebrate wins with everybody, maybe acknowledge people who have made a difference over the year and set a positive tone for the coming year. And when we looked at it this way, the ideas just started rolling out of his head. So the obstacle is the way. Find opportunity in the challenges, and it can apply to family challenges as well. So maybe if you are going to a party and you know you're going to see some family member that frustrates you, it's an opportunity to practice patience. And if you can learn to take the high road in these kinds of high tension situations and let go of stuff that's bothering you, those are opportunities to grow in the face of an obstacle. The obstacle is the way.
Speaker 1:It's number two and the third principle here that we're going to talk about is amor fati. Amor fati is all about accepting what is, it translates to love fate, love what happens. So accepting life, accepting the people for who they are. We can hear that nasty comment that grandma makes and maybe your grandma doesn't make nasty comments, Maybe she's a sweet old lady, but my grandma, who's slowed her temper down a little bit in her older age, but for a long time made a lot of nasty comments Amor Fati, applying that to my grandma, was accepting her for what she is Like. Of course my grandma is going to make some comments. That's totally who she is and being able to smile at it a little bit.
Speaker 1:I had a client that went to his Thanksgiving party and walked in and his mom was stressed out, running around, worrying about the people, worrying about the cooking and the turkey, and he was just able to be like that's mom, that's like how she rolls, and he was able to smile and say hi to her and go and enjoy himself without getting caught up in her stress. So anytime you feel like you have a problem with somebody or someone needs to change, amor fati, practice it and what that does is like they don't need to change. They are who they are. Accept who they are what they are, and you don't have to have a problem with them. It's your choice that you get to make. Is this person a problem? Do I want to be frustrated or do I just want to let it roll? Do I just want to enjoy myself and set some space there, All right.
Speaker 1:So those are some tips, some principles from the Stoics to help you navigate the holidays and the dynamics of family throughout the holidays. So, quick recap premeditatio malorium, Plan for your problems so they don't blindside you. Second one was the obstacle is the way. See the challenges that you're going to face as opportunities to grow and, amor fati, accept people and the situations for what they are and choose to enjoy yourself anyway, All right. Choose to enjoy yourself anyway, All right. The holidays, they don't have to be stressful. With a little discipline and forward thinking, you can show up calm, present and ready to enjoy the season, All right. So don't forget, check out the 2025 planning workshop If you want to start the year strong, if you want some clarity, some purpose, join us in Perrysburg. Brenda and I are going to be hosting it together. Details at TommyGCoachingcom. And have a happy holiday week I'll probably get one more podcast out before the new year. And have an awesome week. I'll probably get one more podcast out before the new year and have an awesome week.
