Durable Dad with Tommy Geary
The Durable Dad podcast gives men the skills and tools they need to be rock solid for their family, their work and their community.
Durable Dad with Tommy Geary
90: A System to Set You Up for Your Wife's Birthday
At some point, in the next 365 days, your wife will have a birthday.
And for men, this day can weigh on us. What will you get her? What will you do together? How will you make it a great day for her?
Thoughtful decisions to be made that we don't have time for.
Today's episode will take the pressure off so the birthday planning doesn't wear you down and your wife knows you care.
You'll walk away with 3 new strategies that make birthdays seamless:
- Keep an ongoing gifts list.
- Use your calendar so you're not surprised.
- Set yourself up with action steps two months out.
Bonus - These steps can be used for any situation where you're feeling the pressure. Plan ahead and set your future-self up for an easier ride.
Finally, if you're ready to tackle a big challenge this year the Grand Canyon Rim-to-Rim Adventure happening in October 2025.
This is the Durable Dad Podcast. I'm your host, tommy Geary. This show is going to give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock-solid man for your work, your community and, most importantly, your family. All right, what's up? Episode number 90. It's Friday afternoon.
Speaker 1:I just got done teaching a yoga class, which is new for me. I certified a while ago in 2019, and I taught in some studios then in Colorado, but I haven't taught in studio for a while besides the dad retreats and men's retreats that I do. So being back in the studio has been really fun. It's a goal of mine teach one class a week. Today I subbed for another teacher because I had some flexibility in my schedule. So, feeling stretched out, feeling open after that class, and I just announced recently that I'm taking a group of guys to the Grand Canyon and we're going to hike the Rim to Rim Trail Pretty pumped about it. I'm co-leading it with my buddy.
Speaker 1:Craig Craig's a health coach for men. He helps men over 40 lose weight, get in better shape and, yeah, we've got six or seven guys signed up already. We're going to cap it off at around 15. It's a physical push that we're going to do as a team and it's a 22-mile hike. There's a lot of vert involved. It's happening in October. I'm already pumped about it and I want to dive into today's topic.
Speaker 1:So today we're going to talk about our wife's birthday, and the reason we're going to talk about it is because over the last few years it's come up a lot. My wife's birthday is coming up. My wife had a birthday last week. Guys care about this. They want to do something nice. They want their wife to feel appreciated and feel special on their day, especially if it's important to their wife. And guys are busy and guys are busy. They have a million other responsibilities and sometimes, as much as they want to nail it, as much as they want her to feel good about her birthday, it doesn't happen the way that they want. One guy I was just coaching said after his wife's birthday. She said to him that he didn't put that much effort into it and, yeah, he was bummed about that and that's the opposite of what we want.
Speaker 1:So the main thing here, the knowledge to take in today, is to take the pressure off of yourself, and I'm going to give you three strategies on how to do that. But first I want to talk about why? Why we're stressed, our cortisol levels are high, we're in that fight or flight mode and we're very self-focused. We're worrying about survival and that limits our ability to look out at other people. Think about other people's emotions, try to connect with other people. So when that pressure's on, when we're feeling stressed not helpful in thinking about someone's birthday because you're not thinking about the other person You're actually worried about yourself. So that's one.
Speaker 1:The other study was a 2004 study by Norbert Schwartz, and this one was about how pressure affects our ability to think clearly. We make more rash decisions and we're less thoughtful about how we are making decisions when we're feeling pressure, when we're under stress. For Brenda, when I bought her measuring cups and she doesn't remember it Brenda doesn't make birthdays mean much. She doesn't really remember when our anniversary is and Valentine's Day isn't a thing for her. So she I don't even remember what her reaction was, but I remember she opened it and immediately being like why did I buy that? And I think it's because I waited till the last minute and I was probably putting pressure on myself and I was like, oh, we need measuring cups, so let me get Brenda measuring cups for her birthday. So that's an example of pressure not allowing us to make a creative decision, make thoughtful decisions or really thinking about the other person.
Speaker 1:So the other thing I want to say about pressure is that this is the case in all areas of our life, not just birthdays for our wife. This is at work when we're trying to go after health goals, weight loss goals. If we're putting pressure on ourself, it's never helpful. It wears on us. Usually we start procrastinating the tasks that need to happen. So we want to reduce pressure in all areas of life, and guys have a tendency to put a lot of burden on themselves and in some ways that's admirable. In some ways it is motivating. But if it gets to that point where we're just stressed out all the time or stressed out about certain things, it becomes unhelpful. It has an inverse effect of motivation. So that's why we don't want to feel pressure.
Speaker 1:Back to the birthday and how to reduce it this is just around the birthday, but it's probably tactics that you can put in other areas of your life. So number one is to keep a gifts list. So if you don't already do this, what you want to do is use a certain app. I use Keep, google's note-taking app or list-collecting app. You can use Notes on your phone Evernote Notion wherever you keep your to-do list, wherever is something that's easily accessible to jot notes down.
Speaker 1:And what you're going to do with this gift list is listen for ideas Throughout the year. There'll be times where you think, oh, that would be an awesome birthday gift. I'll remember that when her birthday comes up. But we never remember it. Put it on the gift list. That's what it's there for, and this isn't just for your wife. This is helpful for kids, your parents. I'll use it for myself. If there's things that I'm thinking of, that I need or that I want that just aren't something, I'll just go out and buy. When Brenda wants to know what to get me for my birthday, I'll have something to give her. So a gift list. It's in a convenient place. It is going to save that mental load of trying to remember, and the list doesn't have to be compiled of things. It could be experiences, it could be restaurants, it could be trips you want to take.
Speaker 1:So, number one, start keeping a gifts list. Number two use your calendar. These steps whether your wife makes a big deal out of her birthday or not, do these steps because it will take pressure off. It will take the mental load off of you having to remember these kinds of things. So we're going to use our calendar. Your wife's birthday is on the same day every year. So two months before that day you're going to put an event on there that says Dawn's birthday is coming up in two months, or whatever your wife's name is, birthday is coming up in two months, or whatever your wife's name is, birthday is coming up in two months. Make sure there's a notification so you get emailed on that day that it's the reminder. We're not going to let this sneak up on us. We shouldn't be surprised when our wife's birthday is coming up.
Speaker 1:Step number three Inside that task, you're going to have action steps. The first action step is open your gift list. So two months out, you open up the gift list. It's empty. If it's empty, you still have 60 days to listen. If your wife mentioned something that she wants or wants to do or likes, it's empty. This is going to get you to start paying more attention to her, pay attention to what you might do for her birthday.
Speaker 1:And then the second action step inside that appointment is to have a conversation with your wife. We're getting ahead of this. You can write an email, you can have a conversation, but it's pretty straightforward. Hey, I know we're still a couple months out from your birthday, but I was wondering what you'd like to do on the day. What do you like to do for your birthday? And I'd also say come with an idea. I was thinking we can get a babysitter and go to this restaurant that you really like or a new restaurant that's opening up. Come with some simple idea. The idea is that you're showing her that you're putting in effort, and this whole birthday thing is about being thoughtful. So this action step, this conversation, is part of that.
Speaker 1:Birthdays aren't about the brand new expensive bag or spending a lot of money. It's about being thoughtful and really caring about your partner. So you're going to have this conversation. Hopefully she gives you some ideas, hopefully she has something that she wants to do, and then you can start planning it and doing the tasks that it takes. So it's easier on her.
Speaker 1:And if she doesn't have something, if she says, surprise me, we're not going to just say okay and walk away, because that's going to keep the pressure on us, because we're like how the hell are we supposed to surprise her? I don't really have any ideas. What does surprise even mean? So stay there, stay with the conversation, explain where you're coming from. That, hey, I just want to make this an enjoyable day for you. I just want to make sure that you feel appreciated, and I'm not really good at this stuff. So if you want to take some time to think about it I know we're still two months out, but let me know like what sounds nice for that day, and that'd be super helpful. If you want to give me a couple options and then be surprised with what I pick, great. But don't just take surprise me as an answer. Right, that'll just keep the pressure on us.
Speaker 1:And one thing to kind of note here is that there are two people in this relationship. So I'm talking about what a man can do, what you can do for your wife to take the pressure off yourself. But you know this is also about your wife. What does your wife make birthdays mean if she is kind of communicating that they're really important to her wife's not here? And unless we're doing a coaching session for couples where it's me and Brenda coaching both of them in the same Zoom room, I have to tell guys a lot that your wife's not here. We can't control her, we can't coach her if she's not in this room. So it would be nice to know why it's important to your wife that you crush her birthday and you might ask her that question.
Speaker 1:But this question, you don't want it to come from frustration, from annoyance, like why are you making such a big deal out of your birthday? That's not the energy you want to bring. You want to bring open curious place and you can ask her, like so when I nail your birthday, what does that mean to you? And you get to understand her a little bit more and she'll appreciate you asking. It'll open up another conversation.
Speaker 1:So there's a few different routes. This can go, but I gave you some tips, some pointers to navigate this because, remember, we're relieving the pressure off of ourself. We don't want to wait till the last minute, we want to get ahead of this. We want to be thinking, capturing gift experience ideas throughout the year so we can go to our wife, show her that, hey, I'm given this thought, I care, I want to make this a special day for you, and then you have those conversations about how you do it. That's pretty much the recap Take the pressure off, keep the ongoing gift list. Use your calendar so you're not scrambling, and have the conversations.
Speaker 1:This birthday thing, it doesn't have to be perfect, you just have to be engaged, show that you care, show that you're giving this thing some thought, and your wife will appreciate it. It'll bring you guys closer together. It'll get you on the same page, and that's what marriage is about being on the same page with each other. All right, that's what I got for you guys today. If you're interested in that Grand Canyon hike in October, hit me up. Go to the website tommygcoachingcom. Backslash R2R for Rim to Rim. That's the big hike. Or you can email me, tommy, at tommygcoachingcom. We'll put the link in the show notes. Have an awesome week.
