Durable Dad with Tommy Geary
The Durable Dad podcast gives men the skills and tools they need to be rock solid for their family, their work and their community.
Durable Dad with Tommy Geary
102: The Gap vs. The Gain
Most of us only see the distance to our ideal. In this episode we look at using our progress to propel us. We cover:
• The framework of “the gap and the gain” and why it matters
• Why focusing on the gap creates more frustration at home and work
• Simple daily practice to shift your brain toward the gain
• Two situations where “focusing on the gain” can backfire—and what to do instead
Practical takeaways:
• End each day by writing down three wins—big or small.
• Measure progress backward, against where you started, not against an ideal.
• Watch your blind spots: gains aren’t excuses to ignore responsibility.
The gap is endless. Train your focus on the wins, and you’ll bring more calm, presence, and energy to your family and leadership.
Stop Losing Your Temper Road Map
This roadmap will teach you how to have more patience.
To give your kids more time and attention.
Anger isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility.
Learn how to manage it so it doesn't get the best of you.
https://www.tommygcoaching.com/roadmap
This is the Durable Dad Podcast. I'm your host, tommy Geary. This show is going to give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock-solid man for your work, your community and, most importantly, your family. All right, what's up? Episode number 102, durable Dad podcast. Hope you are well, wherever you're listening from.
Speaker 1:Today I wanted to dive in and talk about this concept of the gap and the gain, which is from a book by Dan Sullivan and Benjamin Hardy called the Gap and the Gain. I was inspired by this because of a coaching call I was on recently. It was actually a call led by Craig, my colleague, who, him and I are running a trip to the Grand Canyon together, and on the call were all the guys that are going on the trip. And we're about a month out from this trip and things are getting real, and we've been training since April and last week we had our last big training hike. It was a 17 mile hike that we were all getting ready for, and on the group call prior to the hike, craig brought up this concept of the gap in the gain. Basically, what this concept is pointing at is that there's a gap between where we are now and the goals that we have. So we have a goal, we have a vision of where we want to be, and the gap is between that vision and where we are right now. The gain is where we started and where we are right now. So the gains looking backwards at the progress that we've made, the gap is what's lacking between what where we are now and where we're heading. And what Dan Sullivan and Benjamin Hardy teach in this book is that we want to focus on the gain. We want to focus on the growth that we've already had, the changes that we've made, because then that gain seeing that positivity is going to, one, fire us to move forward and, two, it's going to help us enjoy our journey towards that goal a lot more. If we focus on the gap, we're going to be focusing on the things that we don't have. That scarcity mindset might compare ourselves to the people that do have what we don't have yet, and it gets us down. So Craig, on the Grand Canyon call, had us do some journaling exercises to look at the gains that we've all made from April when we started training, to the call. We were on that day and using all those wins to spark some motivation for this 17 mile hike. Get us in the right mindset to get out there, hit the trail, do this last big training push before we taper down for the actual hike in October.
Speaker 1:So, as Craig's teaching this, I'm thinking this applies to all areas of life, and I was thinking about a client that I had spoken to earlier who is a dad, he's a husband, he's a leader at this tech startup We've been coaching together. He's been working on having more balance in life being present at home, being a good leader at work, taking care of himself. At the same time, when we have a goal like balance or being more present or having a more connected marriage, it's kind of a moving target. The goal line's always being pushed further and further ahead, because there's no perfection. There's no end in perfection, having balance in life. So the gap in the gain is really, really important for us guys that are high performers. We're already doing a really good job in most areas of life and we just want to do better.
Speaker 1:What tends to happen and what was happening with this guy I was talking to was he was looking at all the things he wasn't doing. He had this thought that it doesn't matter how much I get done in the day it feels like I'm dropping the ball. And I asked him how often is he thinking that? And he was like I'm probably thinking that all the time and I asked him when was a recent example? And he said the other day, when he was driving in his car he had dropped some of his kids off at soccer practice. His wife was at home with the rest of the family, they were having a celebratory dinner before the start of the school year and he was driving around on errands. In his head he was thinking about how he should be at home and he's missing out, celebrating the last day of summer with part of his family, and that he wished he could have been at soccer practice, but he forgot to run these errands yesterday. So now he's running errands and he's focusing on the things that he's not doing, where he is dropping the ball. He was driving around focusing on the gap from where he is in that car and the balance he wants in life, what he's missing, what he doesn't have.
Speaker 1:When I asked him, how was he feeling when his brain is looking at all the ways he's dropping the ball? And he was frustrated, he was stressed, he was anxious. He kept spinning in his head about it. So I asked him what are you not doing when you're frustrated and stressed out about this? And he kind of smiled and was like well, actually, now that we're talking about it, I wasn't focusing on the things that are going well in life. And I said what do you mean? And he said well, earlier this week I was in the pool with the kids and we were cracking up and we were having a good time and I had a really productive week at work and we also went to a water park one day to celebrate the end of summer. So he said as I'm talking about this, I'm realizing that I wasn't focusing on the good things that are happening in life.
Speaker 1:And another way of saying that for him could have been I wasn't focusing on the good things that are happening in life. And another way of saying that for him could have been I wasn't focusing on the gains. I wasn't focusing on the progress that I'm making, on the wins that I've had recently. I'm only focusing on the gap, what I don't have. And the important thing here is to see that what we focus on becomes our reality, that what we focus on becomes our reality If we focus on the gap, what we're not doing, how we're not being a good parent, what's wrong in our marriage, why we're not as healthy as we should be, we're gonna start creating more of that gap.
Speaker 1:So for this guy, if he's focusing on the gap and driving around in his car continuously looking at things he's doing wrong and he's stressed, he's going to get home and bring that stress with him. And if he's stressed at home, much more likely to lose his patience with his kids when they don't listen about brushing their teeth or getting ready for school and then what is he doing? He's creating more of that gap from being present, from being a happy dad. When we flip it, when he's driving around in the car and he's thinking about the good things that had happened the last few days, I asked him like what would be different while you're driving around on those errands? And he was like well, I wouldn't be as stressed, I'd probably be enjoying some of the peace and quiet I had in the car, away from family, maybe roll the windows down or something, enjoying the peace and quiet, letting some fresh air in, taking a breath. That's going to create more calmness, more presence when he goes back home to his family or picks his kids up from soccer.
Speaker 1:So this concept of focusing on the gains and not focusing on the gap can really help us not just motivate ourselves but to enjoy the ride. Life is a journey. It's not about the destination, it's about the ride. To enjoy the ride, we gotta see the good things that are happening in life and the easiest way to do this is to start celebrating your wins. So at the end of the day, before you go to sleep, you write down three wins from the day, three good things that happened, three things that you gained. You can do this with your wife. You can ask her hey, what are your three wins today?
Speaker 1:In the book they say the only way to measure success is backward, against where you started, not against your ideal. Backward against where you started, not against your ideal. This reflection at the end of the day, looking at your three wins, that's going to be looking at your gain. You can also think of it on a longer timeline, at the end of Q3,. Look at your business, look at your career. Where did you start at the beginning of Q3? Where are you now? Your brain might tell you all the things that you didn't do and what you missed, but find the wins. What did you learn along the way? Where did you grow? Find three of them. That's going to be focusing on the gain instead of the gap, and this isn't a revolutionary concept, but I like this framework of the gap and the gain because we do tend to focus on what we don't have a lot more than what we do have. So it's an awesome tactic. It's an awesome tool to have in your toolkit to celebrate the wins.
Speaker 1:Now it doesn't always work, and what I mean by that is one. You might have blind spots and be celebrating in areas where you actually need to see where you are not succeeding. For example, the guy who gets served divorce papers and says I never saw it coming. He might have had some blind spots in how he was showing up in his marriage. He might have been thinking that he's a great husband. He might have seen his gains in his marriage as getting his wife the car she wanted or taking the vacation that she wanted. He might have seen all those things as gains, that he was there for all the birthday parties and always got her a birthday present and remembered her.
Speaker 1:Overconfidence might be an area where focusing on your gains isn't going to work. You want to be able to call out your blind spots. So that's one spot you got to be careful of. Don't celebrate yourself. If really maybe there's something that you need to work on, take some personal responsibility first, but then, as you take that personal responsibility, you'll have gains along the way as you're working on those behavior changes.
Speaker 1:The second area is if you have really strong limiting beliefs about your growth, about where you are in life. This kind of relates to the last podcast about lasting motivation, and this happens a lot in coaching sessions with guys. If we're looking at the wins from the last couple months of coaching and I point out some of the gains that they've had, I check in with them afterwards as I was listing out those gains what did you notice, what were you feeling, what were you thinking? And sometimes they'll say I kind of landed flat, like I heard you, I kind of get it, but I should already be doing that stuff. That isn't something that is a win, that's just something that should come easily to me. I should be doing that all the time.
Speaker 1:When the brain is throwing out those contradictions to the gains, there's something else to work on and it's those new limiting beliefs that we're uncovering. Why is your brain trying to diminish your gains? That's something to get coached on. That's something to journal about and learn about yourself. Build more self-awareness. Just trying to focus on the gains if it's not creating that internal fire and your brain's just calling bullshit on the gains, it's just getting you down more. It's just creating more stress and more internal turmoil. So focusing on the gain wouldn't work in this case either.
Speaker 1:I'll leave you guys with this. Start celebrating the wins at the end of the day, start looking at your gain. If it's falling flat or if you think you might have blind spots that you don't know about, then set up a call with me. I have free consult calls, free coaching calls, where it's 50 minutes and we dive into what you're working on. This is a thing for a lot of guys that have a hard time seeing where they're winning, where they're doing a good job. We want to work on that because you are doing a good job.
Speaker 1:You're listening to this podcast. You want to get better. I guarantee there are things you're doing well and when you look at the gain, you're going to bring more joy, more positive energy to your life. Right now, if you're only looking at the gap you're going to bring that lacking, that desire for more, that feeling of not doing enough to your daily life, and that energy isn't helpful for anybody. We want to bring that positive energy. It's our responsibility to show up as best as we can for the people in our life, for ourself, and make the world a better place. I think that's really why we're here to create some good energy inside of us, to spread it out to the world and make the world a better place. So take this tactic, try it out. That's what I got for you guys this week. I hope you have an awesome one and I'll catch you next time.
