Durable Dad with Tommy Geary
The Durable Dad podcast gives men the skills and tools they need to be rock solid for their family, their work and their community.
Durable Dad with Tommy Geary
105: Travel Without Guilt
Most men feel a twinge of guilt when they leave home—whether it’s for work, a trip, or adventure. This episode breaks down how to handle it without losing presence or connection.
Highlights:
- The moment in the Grand Canyon that reframed what “leaving well” really means
- Why guilt shows up for good men—and what it’s actually telling you
- The hidden cost of trying to control your wife’s emotions
- How to prepare your family without overcompensating
- The three-part framework: Acknowledge. Let go. Redefine responsibility.
- What it looks like to come home clear, calm, and recharged
Practical Takeaways:
- Guilt isn’t a problem—it’s proof you care.
- Let go of trying to manage outcomes you can’t control.
- Leave home with trust so you can return full, not drained.
About the Host:
Tommy Geary helps high-achieving men build stronger marriages, calmer minds, and a durable sense of self—so they can lead at home the way they lead at work.
Reflective CTA:
Before your next trip, pause and ask yourself: am I leaving to escape—or to refuel?
Stop Losing Your Temper Road Map
This roadmap will teach you how to have more patience.
To give your kids more time and attention.
Anger isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility.
Learn how to manage it so it doesn't get the best of you.
https://www.tommygcoaching.com/roadmap
This is the Durable Dad Podcast. I'm your host, Tommy Geary. This show is going to give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work, your community, and most importantly, your family. Alright, what's up? Episode 105. I am back from Arizona. The Grand Canyon Rim to River hike is complete, mission accomplished. It was an awesome week. I did a trip report afterwards, and the first question was Did the trip meet expectations or exceed expectations? And it was an easy exceed. The Grand Canyon hike was definitely the top highlight. There were so many awesome moments. One of them about halfway down, you leave Havasu Pie Gardens, which is kind of this oasis in the canyon. There's tall green grass, there's big trees, and we all had our headlamps on filling up our waters. And as we were leaving the gardens, I kind of lollygagged in the back. I was taking up the caboose and got a few minutes alone on the trail. And when we left the garden and the tree coverage is gone, the sky was just light enough that I could see around me. And I could turn my headlamp off and I could see the creek next to me. I could see some of the green grass and the walls of the canyon next to me. After a few more steps, I looked up and the canyon was bright enough to see the whole thing. We had started at three in the morning. It was dark the entire start of the hike, and now the sun was coming up, and I could see miles and miles down the canyon. It was just a moment for me. I thought about my dad and my uncle and how the last time I was in the canyon, I was with both of them. I wish they could be there with me. My uncle had recently passed away. So that was a moment that I'll never forget. And I got to be alone for that second, and then I kept hiking and came pretty quickly up to some of the other group. So I could see guys about 50 yards ahead of me, and they were just stopped pointing left, pointing right, taking pictures of each other. And there was another group of guys another 20 yards out doing the same thing. And this sunrise in the canyon transformed all these men that a week ago were in their daily routines and handling the responsibilities of life and transformed them into little boys. They were laughing and smiling and so excited. I was one of them. It was like we were a little league baseball team that had just opened boxes to our brand new uniforms with our names on them and our numbers on them. That moment in the canyon, I'm not going to forget it. This group that traveled together, accomplished this amazing goal together. It wasn't just the hike that these guys achieved. There were so many other strategic byproducts along the way. And I want to talk about one of them today that a lot of the guys were facing. And it came up throughout the trip. And that was guilt. Guilt for leaving their families. And it came up during training when they had to do a 15-mile training hike, and it was going to take a few hours out of their family time on a weekend. They would feel like they were putting added stress on their family. And I work all week, I should be spending time with my family. Guys left to travel for four days. One of the guys is like, I shouldn't be leaving my wife home with the kids. She's already got a lot on her plate, and now I'm just adding to it. And it also comes up with just guys that I coach that travel for work. When we feel this guilt, what we're trying to control are our family's emotions. Whether it's not wanting to disappoint our kids or not wanting to add stress to our wife's life, we're trying to control their emotions. So I want to focus today on our wife. We want to serve our family, our wife, but we don't want to try to control them. And when you believe that your wife's stress is something that you can actually prevent or something that you can fix, you start to live in a mode of reacting and control. You avoid conversations that might upset her. This just happened to me last week. I double booked my parents coming in town with a meeting that I had on Sunday morning, and I knew about it a week ago, and I didn't tell Brenda until two days before the meeting happened because I knew it was going to be a difficult conversation. I knew she was going to be disappointed. So I just avoided the conversation. And back to the guilt that we feel when we're leaving for a trip, we'll overcompensate before we leave. We'll try to really make our wife as happy as possible and plan as much as possible and overload it, overcompensate. And then when we're on the trip, we're thinking about home. Instead of being present and actually enjoying the trip, we start losing on both ends. So I'm going to tell you what to do about this. One, you want to acknowledge the guilt. Guilt or weight or stress that we feel before we leave or while we're away from our family is not a bad thing. It's actually a sign that you care. It's a sign that being a good husband, being a good father really means something to you. That's why the guilt is there. So you want to acknowledge it, understand the good side of it, but then also dive a little deeper. And a question you can ask yourself is what am I trying to protect my wife from? This will help separate control from that caring and support part. The caring and support part of guilt we want, the trying to control is something that we want to separate from. So that's the first thing you want to do is be able to acknowledge your guilt. And then the second thing is let go of outcomes. Before you leave, you can plan and you can communicate and you can prepare and try to set your wife up for success, but then you have to trust. You got to let go. One of the guys on the trip, him and I had some good conversations about this. He was actually doing some coaching with Craig prior to the trip because he was feeling that guilt of leaving his family. And the first day he told me that his daughter got in a fight with her best friend. Then the next day he told me that their dog got sick and his stepdad went to the hospital. And then the next day, he told me that his wife's best friend got laid off of work. And this is a friend that already had some unstable stuff in her life happening. So all of these things happening while he's away. His wife is probably a lot more stressed than she normally is at home. And she's dealing with a lot of different shit that is coming up. He's away, he's in Arizona, he's on this awesome dude's trip. The option to feel guilty about this is very real. This became a perfect opportunity for for him. And what he realized was as his wife was telling him all these things that were going wrong at home, he felt the anxiety come up. He felt the guilt. But because he already has explored this, he knew that it was coming from a place of telling himself that he wasn't doing a good job as a dad, that this was his fault. He should be trying to change the things that are happening at home. And he let go. He let go of the outcomes and he trusted that his wife could take care of it. He trusted that the family works well together. And when he was able to let go, he was able to listen to his wife. He was able to ask a few questions. He became this container for her to vent. When shit's happening in life, sometimes you just want to vent it all out. You don't need to fix it. All of these things aren't fixable from Arizona. And he just listened to her. So that's the ability to understand what's in your control and let go of the outcomes that aren't in your control. So those are the first two things. First, you want to acknowledge your guilt, like this guy did. He explored it prior to going on the trip. That's what coaching's all about. Coaching is practicing, preparing for game time. This trip was coming up. He noticed one of his obstacles might be worrying about what's happening at home while on the trip. He got coached on it, understood his guilt. And then the second step, he went on this trip, shit happened at home, and he let go of outcomes, let go of trying to control. And then the third is you want to redefine what responsibility means. We have a responsibility to serve our family. But responsibility doesn't mean being with them all the time. Sometimes we're gonna leave. And that's okay. But then the responsibility becomes leaving well, staying grounded, staying clear, connected. And then you get to return as a man who's filled up his tank. You come home being excited about returning, knowing that now I'm back. Now my role as a father is to be present. My role as a husband is to support, get back in the game. When you are leaving your family for a trip or some kind of commitment, you're gonna feel some guilt. It's normal. Recognize it, acknowledge it, and do what you can. Prepare as best as you can, help your wife set up before you leave. And then while you're gone, let go of what's happening at home. Let go of trying to control events and more importantly, emotions, because we can't control other people's emotions, and no one is supposed to be happy and content all the time. And then redefine the trip. The trip isn't you leaving your family, the trip is you going to recharge, going to refill your tank so you can come back and be an awesome man. All right, that's what I got for you guys today. I hope you have an awesome, awesome week, and I'll catch you next time.
