117: Don’t Take It Personally. They Are Just Words.

You’re not reacting to what was said—you’re reacting to what you made it mean. 

As a father and husband, that story gets built fast—and it usually sounds like disrespect, doubt, or being challenged.

By the time you respond, you’re already inside your own version of the story.

Highlights:

•  How a simple conversation about an injury turned into tension, and what actually caused it 
•  The gap between words spoken and the story you assign underneath them 
•  Why being right in an argument still leads to a bad outcome 
•  The physical cues of defensiveness most men miss—and how to catch them 
•  Rewinding the “game tape” to break patterns outside the moment 
•  A simple shift: from proving your point to understanding the other person 

Takeaways:

•  When you feel defensive, pause and ask: what am I making this mean? 
•  Separate the words from the story—respond to what was said, not your interpretation 
•  Build awareness outside the moment so you can show up differently inside it 

Pay attention to the next moment you feel the need to defend yourself. That’s your opening to handle it better.

ADVENTURE TRIP:

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Transcript

Welcome And The Show’s Mission

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This is the Durable Dad Podcast. I'm your host, Tommy Geary. This show is gonna give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work, your community, and most importantly, your family. Alright, what's up? Episode 117. It is April 13th today. And a couple of months ago, about mid-February, I injured my Achilles, and I was running a lot and I was running through pain, and it caught up to me. I was waking up in the morning and couldn't walk for the first 10 minutes. I was shuffling around my room, around my bedroom, and I've got this Grand Canyon trip coming up. Me, my buddy Craig, we're going back to the Grand Canyon in a couple weeks. 15 guys, 15 miles. I needed to get this Achilles healthy, and I built a rehab plan. It was four weeks long, no running, a lot of strengthening to rebuild the tendon. As this injury is happening and I'm rehabbing, Brenda and I start having this conversation. She would ask about the injury, she would bring up the Grand Canyon trip, and she would tell me how I needed to go see a physical therapist. The first two times we had this conversation, I pushed back. I've got a plan, I know what I'm doing, just trust me on this. She thinks that I'm not taking it seriously enough. I think that she doesn't trust me to handle this situation. And we go back and forth. This happens twice. About two weeks into the rehab, I'm feeling better, less pain, trending in the right direction. We have the conversation again. Brenda brings it up. I feel myself wanting to dig in, telling her that it's working, but caught myself because what I realized was that I was being defensive. And I teach this all the time and I coach on this all the time. When you feel defensive, you're probably missing what's actually going on. Up until that point, the first two conversations, I was only trying to prove my side. I was only trying to win the argument. And approaching a conversation that way never ends amicably. Even if you are right and you prove your point, in this case, my plan was working, like things were trending in the right direction. But being right doesn't necessarily mean that you're handling the conversation correctly or you're handling the conversation well. Being right isn't the goal. I talk about that on the podcast. Conversations aren't debate, they're dialogue. And if I break those conversations down that I was having with Brenda, it's pretty straightforward. She would ask about the injury. She would bring up the Grand Canyon trip. She would tell me to go to PT. Those were the words that came out of her mouth. In my head, I was hearing something completely different. I was hearing that she doesn't trust me, that she thinks I'm not taking this seriously, that she thinks that I don't know what I'm doing. None of those words were said. Those were the internal voices in my head. I was taking her words and making it personal. And then when we take things personally, we get defensive, we react to that. So I'm snapping back, trying to prove my point. This happens so fast. It's automatic. I wasn't choosing to be defensive. I was just defensive. That's how quick it happens. And the problem is that once you're there, once you're inside your story, you're feeling defensive, trying to prove your point, explain your side. You're not going to figure out how to logic your way out of this conversation. So what do you do? A lot of people will say you just need to communicate better. Don't react. Stay calm. All correct, but all missing something really important. And the missing piece is understanding why you're getting defensive outside of the moment. The only reason I was able to catch myself in that third conversation was because I had already seen and inspected this pattern before. This wasn't the first small comment that Brenda made that I overreacted to. Those past times this has happened. I've spent time reflecting on those moments with coaches, with my journal, and slowing things down afterwards, looking at the game tape of what happened, noticing what defensiveness actually felt like in that moment, the tightness in my throat, the tightness in my shoulders, looking at that game tape, asking what I was making those comments mean? What was I assuming about her? Because I had done that work outside of the moment, I was able to catch myself earlier. I didn't catch myself after I defended myself and have to backtrack. Caught myself right before I started defending myself. And to be clear, this whole conversation took less than a minute. And it might seem small, but I'm slowing it down here because these small moments are where relationships either get stronger or where they start to break. I know a couple that they had an argument that started because the guy forgot to bring out the garbage, and within a couple minutes, the argument turned into threatening divorce. That might be the extreme, but these small moments can turn into bigger arguments. So we've got to get better at the small moments. And when you build the awareness around your automatic responses, your automatic defense mechanisms, your thoughts, your physical reactions, it actually slows down these moments in real time. And when I did this in this last conversation about my injury, instead of trying to prove myself in that third conversation, I was able to do something different. I started to consider what actually might be going on for her. She's worried about the Grand Canyon trip. She's just trying to help me. I also noticed what was going on for me. I'm nervous about the injury. I don't know how this is going to play out when we get to the canyon. So started to notice what she might actually be thinking and feeling. I started to notice what I am actually thinking and feeling. And then I said it. Hey, I know you're worried that I might not be ready for this trip. I'm nervous about it too. I'm doing everything I can and I feel like I'm on the right track. Just give me another week. And if it's not better, I'll go to PT. Conversation changed, totally different direction. And I wasn't agreeing with her. I wasn't saying that I was wrong. This isn't about backing down, it's about leading the conversation. And most of the time, it's Brenda with the level head leading the conversation. This time I figured it out somehow. But those first two conversations ended with both of us digging in on different pages. This third one ended with some clarity, better understanding of each other. We're on the same page moving forward. And this shows up everywhere someone says something, you make it mean something, and then you start reacting to the meaning that you're giving it, not what actually was said or what happened. I was talking to a client last week and he cleaned his house really well, spent some time on it. His wife came home and mentioned something that wasn't clean. His brain, straight to she doesn't appreciate me. No matter what I do, it's never enough. Then he gets defensive, then they start to argue. Another client at work, someone asks him something about grabbing a second of his time, or when people ask him a question that he's already answered in an email or an announcement, he has an immediate reaction because he starts making it mean that they don't respect his time, that they don't understand how busy he is. So again, he's taking this personally. And in both cases, I don't tell these guys back down, roll over, just say okay to these people. That's not what we're doing here. I'm challenging them to communicate without anger. This isn't about agreeing, it's about understanding. Understanding what's actually going on with you and understanding what the other person's intent is before you actually react to it. You know, the guy that was cleaning his house and his wife walked in and pointed something out that he hadn't cleaned, he can ask for her to try to point out the things that she appreciates before she points out the things that still need to happen. He can ask her that. I would question that because this is the stuff that matters. These are the skills we weren't taught that we need to learn in order to have better relationships. And I've said this on the podcast before. The quality of our life is tied to the quality of our relationships. So these patterns of taking things personally, if they're showing up in your marriage or at work, they're probably showing up in parenting. Most places in life, they might be small, but they don't stay small. And if you don't have the structure to start getting to know yourself better and breaking this stuff down, that is when coaching or even therapy comes into play. You find the right coach, you invest the money, you put the sessions on your calendar, and that becomes your accountability. Those sessions become the time where you build awareness, where you look at past incidents that have happened and how you could have done it differently. So to wrap this thing up, you got to get really clear on your triggers. Know what defensiveness feels like because that's a signal. The tightness in the shoulders, the tightness in the jaw. When you see it, that's when the shift starts to happen. And it happens really smoothly, really easily. Instead of reacting, you will start to get curious. What might this other person be thinking that I'm not seeing? What why am I feeling defensive right now? Those questions will change how you show up in conversation. This is a skill. Learning not to take things personally, learning to understand what's actually going on for that other person. So keep moving conversations forward. It starts in that moment when you feel like you need to defend yourself. Look out for that. And that's what I got for you guys today. I hope you have an awesome day, and I will catch you next time.