121: Refusing to Change: The Hero's Journey

The call to change usually shows up before we’re ready for it.

The hero’s journey is a way to understand career changes, marriage growth, fatherhood, health goals, and the hard decisions men keep putting off. 

Highlights:

•  Why the “ordinary world” feels safe, even when it’s draining you 
•  How avoidance shows up in work, marriage, health, and parenting 
•  The difference between being grateful and using gratitude as an excuse 
•  Why most men refuse the call before they answer it 
•  How mentors, coaches, books, and honest conversations help you move 
•  Why the hardest part of the journey is often an identity shift 
•  What changes after you stop trying to carry the whole thing alone 

Practical takeaways:

•  Look at the area of your life where you keep saying, “It’s fine,” when it is not. 
•  Make a real commitment: write it down, tell someone, invest in support, or put something on the line. 
•  When the hard part hits, don’t treat it as proof you should quit. Treat it as part of the path. 

References:
• Book - The Power of Myth
• Podcast - Joseph Campbell Interview on The Tim Ferriss Show

This episode is a reminder that the hero’s journey is not just a movie structure. It is how men change. You leave what is familiar, face what you’ve been avoiding, and come back steadier, clearer, and more honest about who you are becoming.

Listen to the episode and look at where you are refusing the call right now.

Stop Losing Your Temper Road Map

This roadmap will teach you how to have more patience.

To give your kids more time and attention.

Anger isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility.

Learn how to manage it so it doesn't get the best of you.

https://www.tommygcoaching.com/roadmap

Transcript

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The Mission Of Durable Dads

SPEAKER_00 0:04

This is the Durable Dad Podcast. I'm your host, Tommy Geary. This show is gonna give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work, your community, and most importantly, your family.

A Corporate Rut Meets New Dad Life

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Alright, what's happening? Episode 121. In 2018, I was at a corporate job. I had been there for about 15 years, different roles within the company, different departments. And I was sitting at my desk working on a report that I didn't want to be working on, a report that people I was sending it to probably didn't really care about. And I didn't even know if the numbers I was putting in there were accurate. And I was thinking, what the heck am I doing with my time, with my energy here? And at the same time, I was a new dad. My daughter was a couple months old. I was loving being a dad, but also not working out as much, putting on a couple extra pounds, not getting outside in this little rut questioning my career. My buddy had just given me a book called The Power of Myth. It's a transcribed interview between Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyer. And as I'm reading this book, I recognized that I wasn't playing the hero. I was playing the role of the avoider and of the victim. In the power of myth, they don't really talk about those two roles, but I saw them in myself. I was avoiding taking any difficult steps in my career because everything was pretty good. I would have this desire to do something different, put my energy into something that was helping other people or in the outdoors more, but I would tell myself, no, I've got a good thing here. I should just be grateful for what I have. A lot of guys will do this in their marriage if they want to create better communication. They'll tell themselves that, yeah, we fight a lot, but it's not that big of a deal. Then they go and they focus on their kids, they focus on their health, their career, avoid the difficult thing of being a better husband, being more connected with their wife. We can avoid in so many different ways.

The Avoider And The Victim Trap

SPEAKER_01 2:38

I don't need to change this habit right now. It's kind of the kicking the can, justifying to yourself that you don't have to make the changes that you want. I was playing that role. I was also playing the victim. I'm the victim of my circumstances, the victim of my salary, my benefits. I can't make any changes because I don't want to take a pay cut. The victim will also blame other people. My wife's the problem in my marriage. She needs to be easier. She shouldn't be so difficult. My kids are a pain in the ass. That's why I get angry and lose my temper and lose my patience. We don't like to call ourselves the victim, but we fall into that role. Blaming, complaining. The role we want to choose is the hero because as you learn about the hero's journey and you think about the fictional heroes that we know in movies and in stories, they have circumstances and they decide to do something about it. They make a decision to make changes in their life, not just sit around passively. I just talked about this topic on our last call for the Yosemite trip. We're going to Yosemite in the fall, and we got 10 guys that we're going with, and we sit on these group calls, and we talked about how going on a big challenge is a hero's journey, a career change, going on a big trip, training for a race, deciding to be a better husband, deciding to be a better father, all types of heroes journeys that we go on.

The Call To Adventure And Refusal

SPEAKER_01 4:22

So I'm gonna frame this episode and teach you about the hero's journey, the different stages that happen. The hero starts in the ordinary world. In my career change heroes journey, ordinary world for me was a nine to five job, was waking up early in the morning, maybe getting a little movement in, eating something, getting my coffee, going into work, seeing the same people, doing the same job, the routine. Going home, making dinner, going to sleep, doing it again. The hero starts in the ordinary world where everything is familiar, everything's known. In your ordinary marriage, you have the same fights over and over, and you don't do anything different about it. The next step of the hero's journey is the calling, the call to adventure, the call to change, the call to do something different. My calling was a career change. Something inside kept telling me not to spend my time like this. You can do more. Then one of my favorite steps of the hero's journey is the refusal of the call. Every hero has a calling and refuses the call. There's self-doubt, there's questioning, there's not wanting to leave the comfort of the ordinary world. Think about Rocky Balboa and Rocky One. Apollo challenges a local fighter. Rocky thinks about it, but then he says no. You'll see this all the time. So in my career, I had been thinking about making a change for years and not doing anything about it, always making an excuse.

Crossing The Threshold With Commitment

SPEAKER_01 6:07

But then the hero finally decides to answer the call, to step into the unknown, to cross the threshold. I find that for guys in middle age, me included, stepping into the unknown is usually a commitment. It's usually buying something, putting some money on the line. One of my buddies that lost a bunch of weight a few years ago, he put a bet on himself, bet a thousand bucks that he could lose 30 pounds. That was what he needed to do to commit. You can sign up and invest in a coach or invest in one of these adventure trips that we go on. That is stepping into the unknown, and there's a commitment. Instead of just an internal commitment to yourself that I'm gonna do this, when you write something down, when you tell somebody else, when you put some money down, that's a commitment. And then the hero steps into the unknown. This is when the journey really begins. And the next step is meeting a mentor, meeting a wise old sage, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Rocky has Mickey. That's a part of the hero's journey. The hero has some support, he or she has some guidance. For me, my first mentor in my career heroic journey was talking to Brenda, my wife. She was actually training to be a coach at the time and needed some practice clients. And I was like, hey, coach me, help me get out of this stuck rut that I'm in. What are my next steps? The mentor, the guide, starts to walk the path with the hero. The mentor could be a coach, could be a therapist. Sometimes the mentor's a book or a podcast that you're listening to, something that's supporting you, maybe even seeing the potential in yourself that you don't. Once the hero has a mentor, doesn't have to be one, could be multiple.

Mentors Training Tests And Trials

SPEAKER_01 8:12

The training starts, the tests start, the trials start. In Rocky, think about the training montage. So many movies have training montages that a hero goes through. Me in my career, I actually decided to take training courses within the company that I worked for. One of my favorite parts of my job was the leadership development training that they offered. So I started to take more of those opportunities up. For men that go on the adventure trips, or if you've signed up for a 5K or a marathon, the training is actual physical training. Think of new skills that you need to develop. Is it journaling, meditating? Is it time management, prioritizing? All these different new skills that the hero has to build along the way. The tests, if you're working to be a better husband, it's when your wife gives you some feedback. Are you gonna take it defensively or are you gonna listen and see the truth in it and have a normal conversation? Being a better dad, being a heroic dad, there are tests all the time. Kids are unpredictable, kids don't listen, kids scream and kick and fight. Can you be patient? Can you be compassionate? Can you be the strong dad, not the dad that flies off the rails? We're gonna be tested. And those tests are supposed to happen. The trials are the hard times. The trials are the times where you want to quit, where you just want to run away. When I was changing my career, there was a moment where I had to decide to leave my corporate job. I had started giving more public talks at work, doing leadership training, leading it myself. I had taken uh yoga and meditation course where I learned a bunch of new skills. I had had the training, those things tested me. But then it was actually time to make a decision to go start something new. I started questioning myself. The trials are when you're like, eh, let me just go stay in this ordinary world. Let me go back to the comfort. Cool part of the hero's journey is that these hard, difficult parts aren't a reason to quit. They're reminders that you're doing something important, that you're becoming something greater than what you currently are. And the training and the trials and the tests are all preparing the hero for the ordeal.

The Ordeal Reward And Return Changed

SPEAKER_01 10:51

That's the next part of the hero's journey. So, how did we get to the ordeal? Hero started in the ordinary world, had a calling to change, had a calling to do something different, didn't do it, refused the call, but the calling didn't go away, so the hero decided to step into the unknown, to cross the threshold. The hero met the mentor, got the advice, got the guidance that he needed. Then the hero started to train, do the test, do the trials, and then finally the hero's ready for the big ordeal. Rocky's ready to fight Apollo. During the ordeal, the hero loses something, goes down really deep, and then the hero gains something, comes back stronger, gets a reward after the ordeal. And as I'm saying all this out loud, the book that I told you about, it's called The Power of Myth. Very mythical, some of these words and terminology that I'm using. But what I'm trying to show you is that this is actually the human experience. And you can think about it right now in your life. Are you refusing a call? Do you know what the call is? And you've already accepted it and you've stepped into the unknown, but it's hard right now, and you're telling yourself that maybe you should quit. You think about the hero's journey and you start to see that you've got more in you than you thought. The guys that I was teaching this to on the group call, when we looked at their life through the lens of the hero's journey, one guy said, Oh, it was so easy to put different stages of my life in these different sections. And it actually made me feel more confident about myself. See that I had made it through some tough times and the things that I had learned and how I had gotten stronger. And this ordeal that the hero goes through, the big battle, for men, a lot of the time, it's an identity shift. And for me, one of them was a few years into the business, it wasn't growing as quickly as we had expected. And finances were a little off, we had expenses coming up, and I was just stressed and down on myself, and I was keeping it all in. One night, the girls were asleep, Brenda and I were talking, and I just opened up. I told her that I felt like I was screwing up, like I was doing a horrible job, that I wasn't providing for our family, and I didn't bawl, but that's like the emotions that were coming up when I told this to Brenda. It was like my dark moment, like I had fallen down. And for men, it is dropping this mask of us trying to keep it all together, of us trying to show that nothing's wrong, we can handle it. Once I had spoken that out loud, I felt lighter. So that heaviness that was weighing me down, bringing me down, I felt lighter. Brenda and I were more connected, and I also started to see how far the business had come, what we had already created, and saw the confidence in myself that hey, I can keep going. I just gotta stay on track. I remembered the hero's journey. This is part of the process. The ordeal when you sign up for a physical challenge is that hard part. Climbing out of the Grand Canyon, that last three miles is so steep you are questioning if you can do it. That's when you get to the top and you realize, oh shit, I got this. I didn't realize I could do this hard of a thing. All the training, all the trials, all the tests, then you go through the ordeal, and then the reward you get on the other end isn't necessarily something external. It's who you have become. You can finish the hike, you can have the promotion that you want, you can take the big vacation that you want. Whatever that outcome is, that's awesome. But when you go through a hero's journey, you become someone different. You become the man that sets out to do something and then completes it. You become more confident in yourself, you become more present and grounded and aware of what's going on, you're happier. And then the last part of the hero's journey after the ordeal, the hero gets that reward, which is a transformation of who he's become, and then he goes back to the ordinary world. It's a circular journey. And when the hero comes back, he comes back changed. He starts to help the his ordinary world because he's a different person. I keep saying he, but of course the hero could be a female, could be a she. Actually, my favorite hero's journey is Moana. That's the hero's journey. And the hero's journey is all about becoming the man that you're supposed to be. The change is always internal. There might be some outcomes outside of yourself that happen, but the change is an internal change.

The Inner Game And Next Steps

SPEAKER_01 16:31

I have these podcasts about the inner game of parenting. Productivity is an inner game. There's a famous book written in the 70s called The Inner Game of Tennis. Whenever you feel like there is a circumstance outside of you that's a problem, it's not. The problem is the internal world. Who you are at the moment isn't the person that's gonna solve the external circumstance. You have to become somebody different, and you can do it. Joseph Campbell's heroes journey is an awesome way to frame this. I'm gonna post a podcast episode to a Joseph Campbell interview. He's passed away, but I want you to go listen to it. I have almost all of my clients that I coach listen to this early on in our partnership because it empowers you. And it's how I frame a lot of my coaching. How are you taking ownership of your circumstance and not avoiding, not playing the victim? So go listen to this episode and I'll catch you next time.